Suspect May Be Furry, With Cotton Tail
Last Sunday, many area children were recklessly exposed to high doses of candy, apparently supplied to them by a suspect, still at large, dressed as a big rabbit. Last seen carrying a basket and hopping in imitation of a rabbit’s movements, the suspect left large quantities of cheap, sugar-laden treats — including many that, for some reason, resembled eggs but were actually chocolate filled with a sickly-sweet buttercream — in areas often frequented by children. Predictably, many children found the candy and proceeded to consume it in a frenzy, causing nausea, vomiting and “behavioral issues.” Numerous “meltdowns” occurred among the victims, several children required “timeouts,” and many received spankings and severe scoldings. Efforts to locate the suspect have been fruitless, and police are begging the public for assistance.
Ahh, That’s Relaxing
An organization calling itself Salve Sag Harbor published an open letter to village officials this week advocating what it calls “aggressive efforts to calm traffic at problem intersections in Sag Harbor.” Among the group’s proposals: large billboards along every roadway with attractive, soothing pictures of sleeping kittens; speaker systems set up at problem spots playing relaxing, New Age music combined with ambient sounds recorded in South American rainforests; drone aircraft to patrol intersections, armed with tranquilizer guns to shoot and subdue errant motorists. The most ambitious proposal is the establishment of a full-service rest area in Mashashimuet Park, where motorists can stop to calm down and, for a small fee, receive a foot massage. Officials were upbeat about the proposals but say further study is required.
McGumbus Goat Ranch Standoff
Agents of the federal government descended on Shelter Island last week, as tax day approached, to seize the approximately 350 goats belonging to Old Man McGumbus, the 104-year-old WWII vet and CEO of Shelter Island Variety Jerkies, LLC. The government allows goat ranching across Shelter Island, but since 1993 has required goat ranchers to pay a fee for the privilege. McGumbus has claimed that, under obscure trusts, covenants and “verbal agreements,” certain areas of Shelter Island in fact belong to him and should be exempt. These matters came to a head when the IRS dispatched its Marine Caprine Machine, popularly known as the “Goat on a Boat,” to Coecles Harbor and began herding McGumbus’s goats onto the craft. McGumbus and what police later described as “a surly gang of goat herders” appeared and began angrily and violently protesting the government’s actions. The IRS was forced to abandon its efforts, but the agency still promises legal action to collect its money.