Hamptons Police Blotter: East End Eggs, Putin of the Peconic

Snow-Foo
Last Wednesday’s freak spring snowstorm kept many people homebound, caused numerous accidents and left thousands across the East End without access to eggs for days. Although the snow itself was difficult to see, we are assured that it was, indeed, piled high and coming down at an alarming rate. Police advised that anyone not accustomed to driving in translucent, undetectable snow should remain home until further notice. Accidents were reported mostly in the run-up to the storm, as panicky residents drove recklessly through crowded grocery store parking lots trying to get emergency supplies.

In one extreme case, a 13-car pileup was reported at a Bridgehampton shopping center. In addition, three people were taken to the hospital with concussions after colliding headfirst in the dairy aisle in an attempt to get the last carton of eggs. The store’s manager thereafter struggled to maintain control over crazed customers, but his suggestion that they could probably survive for “a few days without eggs” was greeted with anger and derision, and riot police were called in. Town officials agreed to release a quantity of eggs from the East End Emergency Egg Stockpile, but it’s thought that many on the South Fork went without crepes, omelets and soufflés for several days.

Putin On The Peconic
Residents of North Haven are in an uproar over Shelter Island “Trustee For Life” Old Man McGumbus’s recent move to annex their village to make it part of Shelter Island. McGumbus, the 104-year-old WWII veteran and amateur Kremlinologist, claims that North Haven, with its large population of ethnic Hairleggers, rightfully belongs to Shelter Island as part of the “Greater Hairlegger Empire.” In a four-hour speech at Trustee Headquarters (aka McGumbus’s residence), closed to the media and apparently delivered to an audience consisting primarily of dozing cats, McGumbus contended that it was only “an accident of history and geography” that North Haven was considered separate from Shelter Island.

While McGumbus claims to be motivated by his desire to protect the large Hairlegger population of North Haven, veteran McGumbus-watchers suspect that the old man is in fact hoping to launch a competitor to the strategic and lucrative ferry service; they cite the fact that in recent months McGumbus attempted to start his own after-hours hovercraft service between North Haven and Shelter Island. Up until last week, North Haven had remained defiant, but on Thursday McGumbus threatened to cut off the supply of Shelter Island eggs to North Haven: North Haven is an egg-poor region, and many wonder how long the village can hold out with uncertain access to crepes, omelets or soufflés. Meanwhile, officials remain equivocal as to the legality of McGumbus’s actions.

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