The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of April 11–17, 2014

Week of April 11–17, 2014 
Riders this past week: 8,412
Rider miles this past week: 96,174

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Police Commissioner William Bratton was seen chatting with Hamptons Subway Police Commissioner Harry Barnstable on the Quogue platform last Tuesday. Wall Street’s Ken Lipper was seen on the subway on Friday heading for Georgica from Amagansett.

RIDERSHIP OFF
The downturn in ridership on the subway is, we believe, due to the outbreak of spring. Many people think of being out of doors. To counteract this, our new marketing director Henry Hassenhouse, recently of the DEC, where he famously wrote the “Shoot the Mute Swans” promotion we have all seen on TV, is planning three new promotions.

The first is Scotsman Todd McKinley’s Moss from Around the World Exhibit. McKinley will be on each of our platforms during the next two weeks, showing off his moss from such places as the Fiji Islands, Greenland, the Bering Strait and Siberia. He will also be unveiling his new mildew collection. All this is free of charge to passing straphangers.

The Pink Spot Tanning Bed Company will be offering half-hour tanning sessions on our Montauk, East Hampton, Southampton and Westhampton Beach platforms all summer long. The motto for their new Hamptons Subway booths is “Be late for where you’re going, but look good. Why not?”

The bikini bathing suit fashion show will take place on May 1 on the Southampton platform beginning at noon. Designers from all over are exhibiting their wares.

LETTER TO THE DIGGERS
Here is a message to those folks in Mecox who have dug a beautiful station adjacent to the subway line there in hopes we will break through a wall and make it a stop. This is no way to go about it.

Please send us a petition that we can take to the authorities and we will lobby to be allowed to do this.

BIRTHDAY
Audra Frank-Minnow, our illustrious dispatcher assistant, turns 34 Tuesday and we are holding a birthday party for her in the company cafeteria. Frank-Minnow was, as you probably know, acquitted of all charges of murdering her first two husbands. A key witness was her third husband, most say. See you there. No presents please, she says.

SPUR LINES TO MAIN BEACH AND COOPERS BEACH OPEN FRIDAY 
Why wait in line to park at the beach? What if you don’t have a permit? Take the subway from Jobs Lane to Coopers or from Newtown Lane to Main Beach and leave the driving to us. Beach balls, surfboards, sandals welcome. Please wash sand off at the beach platform hoses at the end of the day.

LAWSUITS
Anyone wishing to sue Hamptons Subway for any reason should contact attorney Frank Abernathline of Amagansett, who is offering a 50 percent discount for plaintiffs using his service until the end of this year. Abernathline is very feared by our legal representatives at Hamptons Subway, and I guess that is as good a recommendation as anyone could give. He once won a lawsuit because we spelled his name wrong.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Welcome to the spring season at Hamptons Subway. The mold has been removed. The last stubborn snowdrift on the tracks between Amagansett and East Hampton is gone. Enjoy.

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