Hamptons Police Blotter: Memorial Day Warnings

No one has local tomatoes this weekend!
No one has local tomatoes this weekend! Photo: Bozena_Fulawka, prapann/iStock/Thinkstock

Police in the Hamptons are gearing up for Memorial Day weekend, and have issued a series of notices designed to prepare citizens. Here’s a small sample of the police warnings:

1. You may notice strangers staring at you. Don’t be alarmed. They are just checking to see if they recognize you from TV.

2. Groups of motorcyclists will be making noisy entrances onto narrow village streets at regular intervals. Don’t be alarmed—there aren’t really that many of them. In fact, after a while, you’ll notice it’s always the same group of motorcyclists, and they’re just going around in circles.

3. Many motorists unfamiliar with the basic priciples of driving will be on the roads. Be prepared for them to attempt using street intersections as turnarounds.

4. Numerous tiny, expensive dogs will be in evidence on village sidewalks. However tempting it may be, do not step on or kick these dogs.

5. Visitors from Brooklyn, especially those with “hipster” affectations such as long beards or waxed moustaches, should avoid Shelter Island until further notice. Old Man McGumbus, the 104-year-old WWII veteran, has issued what have to be considered credible threats against Brooklyn hipsters traveling on Shelter Island. Montauk, however, welcomes all hipsters and their ilk.

6. Police understand that one of the pleasures of coming to the East End is sampling the wonderful local produce. And granted, certain local produce is now in season—greens, definitely asparagus and maybe strawberries. Shoppers should be forewarned, however, that there is no way the tomatoes, cherries, blueberries, zucchini, peaches or apples now available at area farmstands and farmers markets could possibly be “local” at this time of year. This is true even if you pay three times what you would at the supermarket—and you will. Shop (and deplete your bank account) at your own risk.

7. Despite the many attractions and activities planned for the weekend, there are still likely to be large groups of confused people wandering the streets looking for things to do. Please note that such loitering is considered a public nuisance by the police. If you notice groups of strangers wandering around with vacant expressions, you should supply them with a copy of this week’s edition of Dan’s Papers, with its complete listings of fun happenings across the East End (or direct them to our Hamptons Memorial Day Weekend Primers on DansPapers.com). If the loiterers still can’t find something to do, then they may have to leave.


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