Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Blotter: Dinosaur Cull, Shriners, Mini Car Celebrity

Dinosaur Cull Elicits Protest
East End animal rights activists are up in arms about a plan to cull the dinosaur population around Georgica Pond in East Hampton. The plan under consideration, which has received support and a pledge of private funding from a certain Georgica Pond film director, involves hiring snipers with machine guns to stalk and eliminate the population of triceratops in the Georgica Pond area. According to area residents, the dinosaurs, which were cloned and artificially produced from prehistoric DNA and inadvertently released in a well-publicized accident several years back, have been wreaking havoc in the neighborhood: disappearances of cats, dogs, birds and even several homeowners have all been attributed to the roaming prehistoric beasts. Animal rights activists, who have started a group called Dinosaurs Are Friendly Too (DAFT), counter that there is no evidence that dinosaurs are to blame. “The triceratops is a beautiful, peace-loving animal that helps reduce the number of dangerous bugs in our neighborhoods,” DAFT spokesperson Reese Kriecher announced at a press conference. “Far from eating our pets, they make great pets themselves.” Authorities plan to announce a decision shortly.

Shriners Protest Celebrity Fashion Choice
Police were called on Thursday to maintain order as Shriners held a peaceful protest outside of a celebrity sisters’ pop-up store. The Shriners were angered by what they see as one of the sister’s deliberate mocking of their traditions and customs. In pictures that were circulated across the internet, the sister is shown at a Shriner-themed party wearing a Shriner fez and driving around in a Shriner mini car. A spokesperson for the celebrity sisters issued a release stating that “no offense was intended by the Shriner-themed events at the party,” and that they regretted if any offense was taken. By midnight, the protesting Shriners had dispersed.

Celebrity Stuck in Mini Car
Ambulance crews were called to a Hamptons residence that is currently the summer rental of the stars of a popular TV series. According to reports, one of the stars had been taking part in a Shriner-themed party and had managed to wedge her hindquarters into a Shriner mini car and was unable to extricate herself. Emergency personnel attempted to use conventional means to release the woman from the small vehicle, but were eventually forced to use the Jaws of Life. According to emergency personnel, the rescue was timely: “She was beginning to lose sensation in the effected area, and we believe she’s lucky to still have it.” Police have issued a general warning to use measuring tape before getting into a mini car.

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