Sheltered Islander: All Washed Up and Praying for Margaritas

Shelter Island's Single Man Edition washer/dryer
Shelter Island's Single Man Edition washer/dryer, Photos: iStock/Thinkstock

Finally, household appliances are being made attractive. I’ve seen washers and dryers in sage green, blue and red. They boast of specialty features like fluff-dry to de-wrinkle shirts. But I think they
need more.

“Hello, I’m Ferb. What can I show you today?”

“I’m looking for a new washer and dryer, I wanna know what special settings are available now.”

“Lots to choose from. In addition to selecting water temperature, we have a new special edition Shelter Island washer/dryer set. The washer has a setting for fish guts, one for deer blood, sweat and coffee. There’s a setting for barbecue smoke, sweat and hot sauce. There’s a football party setting…”

“What’s that?”

“That’s for clothes with the beer, smoke and pizza-sauce smells from football parties. Plus, we have a car repair setting for gas and machine oil smells. Then there’s settings for your kids. There’s the grass stains and Kool-Aid setting, the dirt and crushed frog guts setting, and for teenage girls, cheap perfume and nail polish stain settings.”

“You can get out nail polish?”

“No, but the machine spits out a nice apology note when you come to get the stuff, just like a dry cleaner.”

“Why does that washer over there have a 12-inch screen on the lid? Don’t tell me the washer gets wi-fi.”

“No, that’s a TV screen. That’s our newest washer, the Single Man Edition. A guy puts in his laundry and hits the button to watch ESPN. And since we know he won’t remember to buy detergent, we have a chute here where he can drop in bar soap.”

“What’s this set with the antique wood finish?”

“That’s our New Hamptons set. There’s a jewelry cleaner attachment. There’s a setting to wash money, which the dryer presses and organizes into denominations. And of course, the Dan Scan add-on feature.”

“Dan scan?”

“Yes, you put in a Dan’s Papers, it has an internal page-turner, you select a celebrity voice, and it reads Dan’s articles to you.”

“What’s this?”

“That’s the adapter for infant wash. Moms are so busy nowadays, we invented an adapter that the baby can fit in and get a bath while they enjoy the ride in the machine.”

“Isn’t it dangerous?”

“Nah, you leave the lid up so the kid can breathe. You can also use the baby adapter to wash small dogs. But not dachshunds, because they get wrapped around the auger.”

“What’s this big thing? It looks like an airport scanner.”

“Close. It’s a clothes scanner. You put your clothes in the rectangular box, the machine scans for coins, keys, phones, anything in the pockets.”

“That is terrific!”

“Wait! Let me show you this. Here’s a dryer attachment for hot curlers, with a pull-out nozzle for blow-drying your hair. You can do your hair while you dry your clothes.”

“I love it!”

“Oh yeah? Check this out. This secret drawer in the dryer is for baking brownies. Includes two brownie pans and six recipe cards.”

“My God, you’ve thought of everything. What’s next? A margarita mixer?”

“Unfortunately, no. That feature won’t be available until next year’s Single Man Edition set.”

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