Hamptons Police Blotter: Big Duck Heist, Postal Pains, Food Fight

The Big Duck vanished this week
The Big Duck vanished this week, Photo: Stockbyte/Thinkstock, G. Horsburgh

What, the Duck?
Police revealed on Thursday that the Big Duck, the landmark along Route 24 in Flanders, has mysteriously been removed and replaced with an exact replica. According to the police report: “A person or persons unknown, at a time that has not been determined, completely removed the original Big Duck and replaced it with a replica. The replica is in every way the same as the original, which is why it took so long to discover the switch.”

Going Postal
Medical personnel were called to a local post office to treat a man who had fallen victim to Irrational Expectation of Miraculous Efficiency at the Post Office Syndrome. The syndrome, which has been on the rise recently, tends to afflict irritable, government-hating men who have a history of believing that they have easy solutions to complex problems. Victims of the syndrome will often display signs of nervous agitation, will frequently accuse post office employees of dereliction, will loudly impugn the skills and/or motives of innocent postal workers, and will generally make an embarrassing public spectacle of themselves. It is believed that the syndrome is often brought on after the victim consumes an excess of cheese, peanuts or other binding foods. In this most recent case, the victim of the syndrome needed to be restrained and was given laxatives. A full recovery will require electro-shock treatments and a period of involuntary commitment at a government-run mental institution.

That’s Agritainment!
Local police were called to the site of a U-Pick apple orchard over the weekend to intervene in a domestic dispute. According to witnesses, a married couple got involved in a loud argument over picking apples: the woman was insisting that her husband needed to pick more apples, while the man contended that he had already picked enough apples and that, therefore, he refused to pick any more. At one point, the woman reportedly hurled a newly purchased 10-pound pumpkin at the man, almost hitting him in the head. At another point, the man allegedly flung a half-eaten ear of roasted sweet corn at the woman, leaving a buttery stain on her shirt. Police were able to separate the couple and restore order. The police report stated that the husband was able to produce evidence that he had in fact previously gone apple picking with his wife twice in the past two months, thus fulfilling his spousal obligations under the Carey Limitation of Agritainment Liability Act of 1973. The wife was forced to issue an apology, had to buy her husband a replacement ear of corn, and was warned not to speak of apple picking again this season.

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