Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Blotter: Triceratops Invades Blessing of the Animals

Trivial Emergency
Emergency medical personnel responded last week to the scene of a popular local trivia contest after receiving reports that a participant in the contest had collapsed after suffering from acute trivia shock (ATS). ATS is a recognized medical condition where the victim, often a male with a nervous disposition, suddenly goes into a cataleptic state, usually upon realizing that neither he nor his teammates (if he’s a member of a trivia team) know the answer to some obscure question posed in a trivia contest. It can also occur at any point in a trivia contest when the answer to an obscure question is revealed and the victim realizes that he “knew that but the question was phrased in a misleading way.” The victim in this instance of ATS was partially revived and then was removed to a waiting ambulance, babbling incoherently about who won the World Series in 1973. Health officials issued a statement warning trivia contest participants to be on the lookout for symptoms of ATS, which include insensitivity to physical stimulation, muscular rigidity and occasional drowsiness.

Blessing Becomes Beastly
The Feast of St. Francis nearly became a feast of a different kind at Georgica Chapel over the weekend, as the chapel’s annual Blessing of the Animals was disrupted by a ravening triceratops that broke out of its cage and began chasing the numerous kittens, puppies and sheep—pets that people had brought to the chapel to receive a blessing. The massive triceratops, one of the herd of triceratops that were cloned and artificially produced from prehistoric DNA and inadvertently released around Georgica Pond in a well-publicized accident several years back, had been brought to the Blessing of the Animals in what seemed to be a sturdy cage by its owner, Reese Kriecher. Kriecher claims that he has successfully tamed the wild beast, although Kriecher himself has suffered numerous injuries and dismemberments in recent years as a result of handling the dinosaur—a male of the species whom Kriecher calls “Topper.”

Despite the training Topper has received, apparently the sight of so much potential prey awakened his baser instincts, and he easily broke free from his cage and made after the other creatures, scattering them in every direction. As the pet owners frantically worked to save their animals from Topper’s hungry jaws, Kriecher pleaded with them to remain calm, claiming that “Topper just wants to make friends.” Animal control officers were called and were eventually able to subdue Topper with a tranquilizer gun, but it was several days before all of the frightened kittens were coaxed out of surrounding trees.

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