The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter, Week of October 3–9, 2014

Week of October 3–9, 2014
Riders this past week: 13,812
Rider miles this past week: 73,464

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Former New York City MTA Commissioner Peter Kalikow was seen boarding Hamptons Subway in Westhampton Beach on his way to Montauk, where he has a vacation home. Also riding the subway this Thursday was actress Julianne Moore, who recently hosted the Children’s Health Fund charity fundraiser at the home of Paul Metselaar in Water Mill. She got on at Water Mill heading west. Paul Simon, who founded this charity, was seen with his guitar on the subway heading east Thursday from Water Mill but they apparently never saw each another.

NEW WARNING
Many professional basketball stars rode the Hamptons Subway this summer, including Jason Kidd who has a house in Water Mill and Walt Frazier, formerly of the Knicks. As a result, Subway Commissioner Aspinall has announced that the announcement as trains enter or leave stations will be changed from “Watch out for the closing doors” to “Watch out for the closing doors and watch your heads” during the basketball season.

WI-FI ON THE SUBWAY
The Wi-Fi system on the subway that was supposed to be in operation last spring is finally up and running. The problem was a dead spot between Southampton and Hampton Bays, which baffled the experts. Finally, last week it was found that a raccoon was eating through the underground modem wires there. The raccoon was gently captured on Tuesday with a net and sent off to the raccoon farm in Tuxedo, New York, where fine accommodations have been arranged. The raccoon was neither harmed nor frightened during the procedure but was instead soothed with the Beatles’ recording of “Rocky Raccoon” played over and over at low volume on a sound system. The operation, done in hurry-up mode, took just nine hours from subway tunnel to farm, during which time the raccoon was plied with high-protein bits and bottled water from New Zealand. Commissioner Aspinall says he was urged to turn on the Wi-Fi system even with the break, using signs on the platforms to alert users to the dropped call location but the Commissioner would have none of it.

BRIGHTER BULBS IN LEAD SUBWAY CARS
A firm headed up by Commissioner Aspinall’s brother Biff has sold the system new, more powerful headlight bulbs for all subway trains. It’s a safety matter. The trains can be seen coming from farther away, so subway goers will have more advance notice to remember to step back on the platform. The firm, Biff Aspinall Designs, BAD, also intends to introduce a high-beam, low-beam device that can be operated by all motormen to facilitate safe travel when one subway train is passing another in the opposite direction. That device should be ready for use in March 2015.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AARON O’LEARY
Aaron, as everybody calls him, will turn 41 on Thursday. An important part of our subway maintenance team for the past four years, Aaron was a member of the New York Rockets national badminton team until the badminton league, sadly, was disbanded due to poor attendance. He also worked at the Alverado Car Repair in East Hampton as an assistant mechanic. Everybody loves him and he’s well-liked, too. Come join us in blowing out the candles in the company cafeteria at 2 p.m.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
We are currently working on a Hamptons Subway app for use in iPhones and Android phones that will monitor all our subway activities. Fun for all the family. You’ll love it.

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