Sheltered Islander

Sheltered Islander: Outfitting the Great Peconic Race Athlete

Recently Shelter Island had its Great Peconic Race, a 19-mile race around the Island in anything you can paddle or row. Sounded like big fun so I thought I’d give it a try.

(In a shop on Shelter Island that rents water sports items…)

“Bob, who is that out by the dock with George?”

“That’s Ms. Flynn, Pete. She wants to get something she can use for the Peconic Race.”

“Why is George showing her a kayak? She can’t fit in a kayak. Wait, he’s got two kayaks. She’s trying to put a leg in each one. Oh man, this is gonna be bad.”

“Oh no, she’s stuck in the kayak.”

“What’s he spraying on her?”

“It’s WD-40. Look, one leg is loose. Okay Pete, she’s got her leg out of the kayak. Oh geez, now George is showing her surf skis.”

“She can’t stand up on those, Bob. It’s like trying to float a piano on pool noodles.”

“Huh. Look at that. She did the banana split just before she went under.”

“Now what’s he showing her? It’s a standing paddle board. George is going to hurt his back pushing her up on that.”

“She can’t stand up, she can’t balance. Look, she’s down on the board, flat out with her arms and legs wrapped around the board.”

“Yeah, and with the fin side up. Hey, do you think she’d know if we taped this for YouTube?”

“What would we call it?”

“How about Big Broad on Board? Or Flynn with Fin?”

“Look, George is showing her a canoe. I dunno about that, a canoe can be pretty tippy—and there she goes back in the water.”

“What’s wrong with her face?”

“I think her makeup is coming off.”

“She looks rough.”

“Well, she can’t help being ugly, but she could’ve stayed home.”

“Okay, now he’s showing her a rowboat. This might work. Nope, now she’s having trouble rowing backwards.”

“Wait, he’s putting a bicycle helmet on her with a little rear view mirror. That should do it. Nope, now she’s cross-eyed and rowing in a circle.”

“Woah, where did George find that antique dowry? Heck, maybe that would work for her.”

“I think that old thing still has a harpoon in it. Oh God, Pete, we can’t arm that woman. She’ll take out a competitor with the harpoon.”

“More likely she’d stab herself. But look, her foot just went through the bottom of the dowry, so that’s out, too.”

“Maybe we could rent her an air mattress and a paddle.”

“Wait, what’s George got? I didn’t know we had a Hawaiian outrigger canoe. You know that holds 20 men.”

“And her. She’s staying inside of it. The balance bar is keeping her stable.”

“That and Prozac.”

“What’s she doing now?”

“Painting stripes on her face with black mud. She must think it’s a Maori war canoe.”

“I hope George doesn’t stop her. Anything is an improvement.”

“There we go—she gave George the money and he gave her a paddle. Look at her go, Bob! She’s really moving!”

“That’s because the tide is going out. She’ll be halfway to Greenport before she catches on.”

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