Dangerous Music Warning
A local discount department store began to concern local health officials when it was discovered that the store had begun playing Christmas-themed music through its sound system starting in early November. While not technically illegal, such a practice is strongly discouraged by mental health experts, and local administrators made an extra effort to inform the store of the danger it was posing to its employees and customers.
“Research has shown that shoppers are likely to hear ‘Sleigh Ride’ and ‘Santa Baby’ close to 976 times apiece during the period from Thanksgiving through Christmas,” said public health spokesperson Melva Ohrwurm, who went on to explain that hearing these particular songs so frequently can do long-term damage to the human brain—with particularly acute effects on the parts of the brain that control anger responses.
Experts call the resulting condition Christmas Music Rage Syndrome (CMRS), in which sufferers fly into uncontrollable fits of rage that can be triggered by hearing particular Christmas songs, or even just the happy jingling of sleigh bells. “Incidents of Christmas Music Rage Syndrome have been on the rise in recent years, clearly paralleling stores’ decision to put ‘Jingle Bell Rock’ in heavy rotation earlier and earlier,” noted Ohrwurm, who advised that shoppers quickly exit stores when the telltale guitar/sleigh bell introduction of “Jingle Bell Rock” comes within earshot.
“As dangerous as ‘Sleigh Ride’ and ‘Santa Baby’ are, mental health researchers have found that ‘Jingle Bell Rock’ is the most potent musical neurotoxin that they have studied, beyond even the most egregious Taylor Swift material,” Ohrwurm warned. “Brain damage can occur with just one exposure to ‘Jingle Bell Rock’ in a year.” The store under scrutiny has not changed its musical selection as of press time, although in response to the warnings they have reportedly reduced the price of earplugs.
Police are considering filing charges against Shelter Island’s Old Man McGumbus for his role in the great Turkey Scalping of 2014. McGumbus, the 104-year-old WWII veteran and self-styled “Jerky King of Eastern Long Island,” took advantage of his connections in the poultry distribution business to effectively corner the East End market in turkeys this year—those empty spots in the turkey aisle were caused by McGumbus’s illegal business venture. Having monopolized the turkey supply, McGumbus proceeded to try to sell each bird for upwards of $50 per pound, at which point his business model fell apart. It turns out that, in the absence of cheap turkey, East Enders are perfectly happy to just eat Thanksgiving side dishes—it is, after all, all about the stuffing.