The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of November 14–20, 2014

Week of November 14–20, 2014
Riders this past week: 10,912
Rider miles this past week: 71,488

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Spotted on Hamptons Subway’s Southampton platform last Tuesday at 5 p.m. was Mel Brooks reading the Arts section of The Sunday Times. Also on the platform at 5 p.m. was J.Lo, working her iPhone and enjoying the new Wi-Fi that has now been installed system-wide.

BANK ROBBERY
A group of daring bank robbers made off with over $2 million during rush hour last Wednesday at 5:30 p.m. Arriving at the Hampton Bays platform wearing ski masks, they told passengers they were all going to be in a movie they had a permit for, which they displayed. Boarding a westbound local, straphangers signed releases and then willingly hoisted three “bandits” up to the interior ceiling of the subway car as cameras rolled, helped them through the trapdoor up there when the train rolled to a stop at Westhampton Beach, then watched them wriggle through a metal door in the tunnel ceiling above. When the train came around again 40 minutes later, the passengers again helped the three men, this time carrying heavy sacks, to climb back through the ceiling at Westhampton Beach, then run off with their cameramen at the Eastport stop into the crowd.

The “heist” apparently took place quietly inside the East End Bank for Savings safe, the passageway dug in from below. Our security guards were on the train but were each paid $50 to be extras in the film. Everyone involved has told the police they could identify the men if they could be seen wearing ski masks after the police round them up. So far, there are no suspects. Most subway riders in that subway car during the heist expressed disappointment after learning they weren’t going to be in a movie. “Aw, shucks,” one of them said.

BLOWOUT DELAY
There was a 45-minute delay on Thursday at 3 p.m. involving all stations east of Amagansett. The third car on an eastbound subway train had a front tire blowout two miles east of Amagansett causing the trainman to bring it to a halt. The car was jacked up, the flat tire replaced with a donut tire the train carries as a spare, and the train limped at 15 miles an hour out to the Montauk Yard. We regret the delay.

DRONES
During rush hours, the surveillance cameras on the platforms cannot keep an eye on things because riders nearest the cameras block the camera’s views of others further away. Until the cameras can all be raised two feet on the walls, small three-foot-long metal drone helicopters will serve as surveillance cameras throughout the system. If one gets too close to you, just brush it away. We should have the wall cameras fixed by next Sunday.

STAR SPANGLED BANNER SONG
Some riders are circulating a petition to end the practice of having the sound system play “The Star-Spangled Banner” on all the platforms when the subway opens for business every morning at 6 a.m. This tradition has been in place for three years. It’s good for people to stand still for the two minutes the song is played with their hands over their hearts.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
A special dining car will be sent out on each train on Thanksgiving Day so straphangers who don’t have a turkey can get some. Cost will be $15 a plate and will include cranberry sauce, sweet potatoes and string beans. Also apple cider. Enjoy. Just another service our Board of Directors has voted to give our customers who would otherwise go without.

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