Dan’s Papers and the Graysons don’t exactly have a warm, cuddly relationship, and when we called for a comment about the shocking re-emergence of falsely accused terrorist David Clarke, we received a firm “no comment.” Imagine our (lack of) surprise when the Hamptons Daily—as seen in Season 3, Episode 14—published a huge story in their latest issue, complete with comments from people close to the situation. Here are just a few of the outrageous statements we read.
1. Emily Thorne, formerly married to Daniel Grayson: “I am so overjoyed by the return of [Amanda’s] dad,” Thorne said excitedly. “I just hope he steers clear of the Graysons. I would also like to extend an invitation for him to move in with me. Amanda would have wanted that.”
2. Margaux LeMarchal, EIC of Voulez and close friend of the Graysons: “David Clarke is a living legend. As the editor-in-chief of Voulez, I am pleased to announce that next month’s fashion spotlight is going to be ‘Imprisoned,’ focusing on Mr. Clarke’s new khaki, flannel, unshaven look. We also hope to work with him on creating a ‘Prison Musk’ cologne that reflects his masculinity and noticeable aroma.”
3. Ben Hunter, beat cop: “I’m highly suspicious of the situation and am planning on launching a massive investigation to bring his captors to justice.” Officer Hunter was then notified that Clarke has already given his statement to the FBI, that the late Conrad Grayson has been fingered as the culprit and that several officers have been whispering behind his back about his delusions of grandeur and sad attempts to bed Emily Thorne. “Listen, I’ve been on the force for a long time—going on a year now—and I can tell something’s fishy. FBI or no, I’ll get to the bottom of it. But I also want to go on record as assuring the public that I won’t get behind on my daily duties, like pulling people over for speeding.”
4. Louise Ellis, heiress: “I am happy as pie that the poor man was found! As a close personal friend of Victoria Grayson, it means a lot to me that someone so important to her is back in her life. I know that she’s going to be busy, but I’m sure that she’ll have time to spend with me, right? I’m sure of it. Don’t you think so? She’d never forget me. I know I’ll never forget her!”
5. Mason Treadwell, former author, also presumed dead: “I may be facing charges for escaping prison and faking my death via poisoned sundries, but when those blow over, thanks to my wonderful lawyer Stevie Grayson, I plan on marching right up to Mr. Clarke and shaking his hand. I also hope to write his life story. I have always likened myself to a modern-day Truman Capote, but this amazing story will turn me into a literary folk hero. I have always been known for my journalistic integrity, after all.”