Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Blotter: Bad Signs, 2015 Babies, Bay Street

Signage Headaches
Police responded to calls from residents who were confused and anxious about certain new road signs in the area. The signs, which were designed, purchased and installed by Melvin Tompkins, a concerned private citizen, warn motorists of what Tompkins described in a statement as “certain rare but not inconceivable dangerous conditions they might encounter on area roads.”

Several signs, for example, alert drivers to the unlikely but not impossible scenario of having to dodge fiery meteorites falling from the sky. Other signs advise drivers to be on the lookout for chasms appearing suddenly in the roadway. Several signs suggest rolling up windows to guard against dangerous swamp gasses. At a press conference called to address the legality of the new signs, police spokesman Larry Hirsch said that while it was unorthodox to have a private citizen making decisions about road safety, in this case, police and authorities felt the warnings were “prudent and appropriate, not to mention long overdue.”

Babies New Year
As the new year approached late on December 31, local authorities received word from medical personnel that several expectant mothers had entered labor and were all likely to give birth in the first minutes of 2015. Police dispatched an official arbitrator and timekeeper, as in 2006, when a similar scenario resulted in an epic confrontation over which newborn would have the right to be called “Baby New Year.” Readers will doubtless recall the scenes of disorder and violence from that previous time, as the enraged fathers and grandparents of the rival babies went after one another with unspeakable savagery in a struggle to claim the distinction of having the first baby of 2006. This year, in fact, all of the babies were born at precisely the same time, and will officially share in the rights and privileges of being “Babies New Year.”

Too Cool
Police were called in Friday evening to deal with a potentially dangerous situation at Bay Street Theater. According to eyewitnesses, the Nancy Atlas Project with guest Chad Smith, the drummer for the Red Hot Chili Peppers, had just started their performance at Bay Street as part of the Fireside Sessions sponsored by Dan’s Papers when things started to get “way too cool.” Police reported that while some members of the audience “just went with it,” others “couldn’t cope—they were freaking out!” Those affected are expected to make full recoveries.

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