Special Weapons Deer Hunting Begins in the Hamptons

Starting today, and continuing through the season’s remaining 15 days, East End hunters can now enjoy a series of five different two- to four-day Special Weapons “micro-seasons” geared toward those with more…unique tastes. We share the schedule, along with some helpful information, below.

January 15–16 – Shuriken Season
Kicking things off, January 15–16 has been designated as shuriken season. With the county’s special weapons permit—good for all of this month’s boutique arms micro-seasons—local ninjas and stealthy masters of the martial arts can use any type of shuriken, also known as “throwing stars” or “ninja stars,” to fell area deer. East End enthusiasts have expressed absolute glee at the prospect of taking their preferred weapon out of the garage and into the hunt. The shuriken, primarily used for distraction and harassment in feudal Japan, can be used to land a killing blow, according to Southampton resident and ninja Barry Gunderson.

“It’s not for everyone, but if you practice often and develop lightning-like speed, with a snap of the wrist, you can kill any sized creature,” Gunderson says. “I could easily take down a Kodiak grizzly in mid charge, so I expect a deer will be quite easy to dispatch,” he adds. “But few can match my skills, so we’ll see how this plays out with the general hunting public.”

January 17-20 – Canned Goods Season
A last minute addition to the Special Weapons schedule, canned goods season has replaced the previously scheduled black jack/sap micro-season. This new offering, which also lifts all age restrictions between January 17–20, was put in place after news broke that some American schools are considering stockpiling canned goods for students to feel empowered and to use as weapons against gun-wielding maniacs and other predatory intruders. The county is hoping that  kids of all ages will get some practice bludgeoning deer with full cans of soup, corn and other heavy foodstuffs so they will be better prepared should they ever need to attack a psychotic killer aiming an assault weapon at them. “We’re following the lead of schools in Texas and Alabama, two states known for their brilliant and progressive thinkers,” one county official said on Tuesday.

January 21-24 – Car Season 
Deer have long been known to jump in front of cars and cause devastating, and even fatal, crashes. With this special car season, local drivers will get a chance to turn the tables on the four-legged menace and exact a little revenge. Car hunters may strike deer with any truck or automobile, though the county suggests outfitting bumpers with large grilles and impaling devices. During this time from January 21–24, the seatbelt law will remain in effect. “This is so rad,” one Riverhead car hunter said.

January 25–26 – Hand Grenade Season
Difficult to get outside of military settings, hand grenades make for great deer killing. For just two days between January 251–26, East End hunters will be given a true gift from county officials when a selection of historic and modern grenades are handed out on a first-come, first-served basis. The first 50 hunters to arrive at a yet-to-be-announced distribution center will each be given five grenades for use during the two-day hunting period.

“We will encourage hunters to splatter as many deer as possible with the grenades given,” one county official explained, noting that the grenade micro-season could be considered a “mini cull,” if properly executed. To ensure no explosives remain in the wrong hands after the season, participants will be required to return spent pins for all five grenades at 9 p.m. on the 26th. Expect total mayhem.

January 27–30 – Cudgel Season
For the final four-day micro-season, hunters will get up-close and personal with Twin Forks deer. This most challenging opportunity will pit man against deer in face to face combat. All cudgels, or truncheons, must be approved as pure bludgeoning instruments, devoid of sharp ends or “stabby” parts. “We don’t care if you use a police-issue nightstick or a massive barbarian club, as long as you hunt in the spirit of the season,” the county guidelines state. “This is about conquering fears and getting bloody.”