The faux-Hamptonites of Revenge aren’t the most functional bunch. Since most stories on the show end in murder or fiery explosions, we thought we’d give some advice to the characters who need it most.
Nolan: Stop helping everyone else and start enjoy your own life! You’re a billionaire genius playboy who should be able to have anything (or anyone) you want, and you waste so many resources putting out Emily’s fires. And while we’re talking, stop falling for people who are not good for you! Padma was boring and Patrick was two “accidents” away from turning into Tyler. You’re in the Hamptons. Hit up a matchmaker and find yourself a hot guy (or girl, but let’s be serious). We love Louise, but the girl’s a little nutty. Be careful.
Margaux: Take a chill pill and relax, girl. All you’ve done since you got pregnant is stress and scheme, stress and scheme. You already landed yourself in the hospital once—keep pursuing this silly revenge plot against Emily and you’ll end up bedridden, or worse. And Margie? We appreciate you trying to avenge Daniel by going after Ems, but the girl can and will wipe the floor with you if you aren’t careful. Just ask literally anyone else you know. And stop wearing that harsh, “I’m angry” lipstick.
David: Move away and start over. You have completely alienated yourself, and after plotting to kill Victoria, you’ve really gotten tangled up in turmoil. So move out of the beach house—too many bad memories—and maybe move up island. There are plenty of beaches on Long Island just waiting for you to introspectively meander. Just get murder out of your head. And keep showering! You look good.
Charlotte: Stay in Europe.
Ben: Give it up and stop pursuing Emily, since she’ll never love you! We said this to Aiden and we said this to you: Emily and Jack are meant to be. They’ve been in love since they were children and you’re just the latest in a series of ill-fated (or soon-to-be ill-fated) interlopers. Maybe go hit up Margaux, the French broad you took to the hospital a few weeks ago. You obviously have a thing for rich girls, and she runs the fifth-largest media conglomerate in the world. With her, you could totally buy your way to detective!
What’s some advice you’d give the Revenge cast? Let us know!