Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Blotter: No Laws, No Sledding, Evacuation

All Laws On Hold
Local authorities admitted in a press briefing on Thursday that they are uncertain as to how to proceed after recent statements inadvertently called the very foundations of our legal system into question. They announced that, until they receive guidance from state officials, all laws are currently suspended. Believe it or not, it all started with snow removal. It seems that in one local jurisdiction, authorities went on record saying that if their jurisdiction fined one property owner for failing to obey the law requiring him or her to clear his or her sidewalk of snow, then they would have to fine every property owner who had also failed to obey the same law. This official explanation for an inability to enforce a particular law seems to have had unexpected consequences. Indeed, after this new legal doctrine was articulated, it didn’t take long before lawbreakers of all kinds began to see the implications for themselves: namely, that they shouldn’t be forced to accept punishments for their crimes if the police or courts were unable to prove that anyone else who had committed the same crime had been caught and punished in the same way. On Wednesday, the courts were obliged to dismiss every case before them, including proceedings against drunk drivers and drug dealers, and all convicts were released from local jails.

Sledding Regulations Demanded
Parents crowded a village meeting recently to demand new sledding regulations for local hills. Local mother Margaret Chowner described sleds “traveling at high rates of speed, going downhill with no brakes, and not a single ticket issued.” Darius Flantelle decried the “complete and utter lack of signage indicating where sledders should stop” before encountering roadways. Many parents expressed the belief that the worst infractions on the hills were perpetrated by so-called “city sledders,” visiting children from the city who bring “expensive, high-powered sleds” to our hills and show a “complete disregard for safety and etiquette.” Officials vowed to look into the problem.

Evacuation Considered
As temperatures dropped to the single digits, officials across the region began considering a partial evacuation. “This evacuation would apply only to us,” they explained. “Ordinary citizens will remain in place to serve critical functions, like making sure our pipes don’t freeze. Meanwhile, we officials will remain in some warm place, like St. Thomas or Barbados, until such time as we deem it desirable to return.” Officials are exploring cuts to snow removal budgets to help fund this plan.

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