Snake Advocates Decry St. Patrick’s Day
Police were called in to control crowds as a large group of outraged snake enthusiasts flooded Montauk on Thursday to protest the hamlet’s upcoming St. Patrick’s Day festivities. Stuart Schlangmann, a spokesman for a group called Forked Tongues for the South Fork, explained his group’s stance in a speech to the loud and unruly mob: “While we are sure that Saint Patrick had many fine qualities,” he shouted, “we take exception to his notorious role in exterminating Ireland’s snake population, which constituted an act of genocide against a beautiful and innocent form of life. If Montauk encourages the celebration of this scourge of snakes, they celebrate the perpetrator of the foulest act of single-handed extinction ever committed.”
Organizers connected with St. Patrick’s Day events were unsure of how to react to the criticism. To quote one insider, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, “I could understand objecting to the garish green outfits, to the drunkenness and the bad behavior that accompanies it. But snake lovers?” Police reported that the protest was largely peaceful, and was dispersed by nightfall.
Warden Suspended for Organizing Prison Party
Officials confirmed this week that a mysterious party that recently occurred in a local jail—described by witnesses as a loud and disruptive affair—was in fact held under the explicit direction of the jail’s warden. On the evening of January 14, according to a police investigation, Chief Warden Ray Stone of Mecox Jailhouse commanded that the male prisoners be temporarily released from their cells and brought into the jail’s cafeteria. There, he arranged for the prison band to play dance music and instructed the prisoners to “rock.” According to inmates who spoke to police, while what transpired at that point included a lot of “dirty dancing,” earlier rumors that Warden Stone arranged for the female prisoners to be released from their cells and join the party are unfounded. Numerous witnesses testified, however, that the Warden compelled at least one prisoner to party with a wooden chair. When questioned, Warden Stone admitted that the party was his idea, and he took full responsibility.
He defended his actions, claiming that the party had in fact improved discipline and thwarted at least one attempted jailbreak. Warden Stone has been suspended pending a full review of his actions.