Blog Du Jour

Spare the Hamptons – Take Your Kids to Orlando

I have done the research and have noticed an alarming trend. Year after year, more parents with small children are forgoing more traditional vacations, such as Orlando, Florida, in favor of the Hamptons.

Perhaps it’s the cache that comes with boasting about spending part of the summer hobnobbing with the rich and famous? Personally, with the exception of actual homeowners with kids, I am sick and tired of those little vacationing brats tramping all around the Island and ruining my summer.

My hope is that this blog can spawn a movement to dissuade potential vacationers from visiting our fare shores. And now is the time to act, before anyone commits to their summer plans. In consideration of this, I have created the top 10 reasons parents should travel to Orlando with their children, instead of vacationing in the Hamptons.

1. Orlando has wonderful swimming pools and themed water parks—all of which are known to be safe. Here, children playing in the ocean or bay may get attacked by any number of the man-eating (and child-eating) sharks lurking in the waters off our beaches each summer.

2. Orlando is primarily concrete and is very easy to negotiate with kids. Here, we have so much sand that strollers and other wheeled devices constantly get stuck.

3. Orlando has more kid-friendly menu offerings. Here we mostly serve escargot, pâté, caviar and other foo-foo food.

4. Orlando has relaxed standards for shows and exhibits. Here, our museums and points of interest discourage the eating of gummy bears and peanut butter sandwiches, especially with the crusts cut off, while viewing.

5. Orlando serves grape juice and fruit drinks everywhere. Here we only have world-class wineries and you must be 21 years of age to consume the “juice” they produce.

6. Orlando has more annual days of sunshine. Here, because we are right on the ocean, it rains every single day during the summer.

7. Orlando has many Steven Spielberg-themed rides and shows. Here, the only thing Spielberg-related you’ll see is the mailbox at the end of his driveway, and possibly his velociraptor weathervane, if you’re lucky.

8. Orlando has characters walking around in funny costumes. Here, we only have some confused Europeans walking the beaches in their birthday suits.

9. Orlando has a convenient and tourist-friendly airport where you can land and begin enjoying yourself shortly thereafter. Here, you could waste a good part of your vacation on the Long Island Expressway just getting from JFK or LaGuardia to the Hamptons and back. You can’t land at East Hampton Airport without infuriating (or even killing) someone.

10. Orlando has no ticks. Here we have millions of ticks that carry the potentially deadly Lyme disease. They will bite into to your children and drain the blood from their bodies.

To summarize: Keep your kids out of the Hamptons. Thank you.

Orlando awaits.

Read more blogs by Mr. Sneiv!


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