Hamptons Police Blotter: Seal Bites, Traffic Circle Madness

Traffic circles confuse Hamptonites
Traffic circles confuse Hamptonites

Seventh Seal Arrested
Area police announced another arrest in their ongoing roundup of seals, saying they had brought in a seventh seal in connection with a rash of attacks on area beaches. Police spokesman Larry Hirsch explained the police actions in a news conference. “In recent days, numerous visitors to our beaches have been quite innocently approaching seals and these creatures, in defiance of all that is holy, have been viciously biting unsuspecting beachgoers. In at least one incident, a kindly woman was badly bitten while trying to spread sunblock on the back of a seal that she believed was in danger of getting a sunburn. We consider that seal’s actions to show not only extreme violence but also a profound absence of gratitude.” The seals are being held while police, by comparing the teeth marks found on victims to the teeth of the seals in custody, attempt to determine which of seals are responsible. In related news, spokesman Hirsch acknowledged that at least four police officers have been injured by seal bites while they tried to examine the captured seals’ teeth during their investigation.

Stress Suspected in Rotary Confusion
Police recently disclosed that an ongoing investigation into strange traffic patterns at local rotaries (also known as traffic circles) had concluded that drivers who couldn’t seem to understand how the rotaries are supposed to work are probably suffering from a form of processing incapacity. “We’ve narrowed it down to motorists who are either suffering from mental illness or intellectual incompetence,” explained lead investigator Sarah Finn at a news conference announcing the results. “While the driver who can’t understand that a car in the traffic circle has the right of way and pulls into the circle in front of another car is probably just challenged, we also have drivers who reach a traffic circle and, rather than driving on the paved circle as designed, elect to drive straight across the unpaved middle island of the circle as if the circle wasn’t there at all. These drivers are most likely suffering from extreme stress due to the upcoming summer traffic. It’s telling that you never actually witness their actions, but you know they’ve been there from the deep tracks they leave behind.” Finn suggested that these afflicted drivers most likely know how a rotary is supposed to work, but in their delusional state believe that driving their vehicles over the middle island of the rotary “proves something,” whether it be their courage, strength or superior driving skills, or even their righteous disdain for traffic circles in general. Finn conceded that it is unlikely that these drivers could be cured of their delusions.

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