Hamptons Police Blotter: Slaw Spill, McGumbus

Coleslaw spill causes havoc off the East End
Coleslaw spill causes havoc off the East End, Photo: Thor Oliversen, travellinglight/iStock/Thinkstock

Slaw Ship Founders
Winter-weary East Enders could have been forgiven for despairing as chunks of white stuff started washing up on bay beaches this past week—could it still really be that cold? The answer was no, as the white stuff washing up wasn’t snow or ice but rather chunks of coleslaw. Police were called to investigate the origins of the slaw, and it was soon determined that a tanker ship carrying upwards of 45,000 gallons of coleslaw had foundered in the bay on the way to delivering the popular cabbage salad to Greenport and had leaked close to 25,000 gallons of coleslaw into the water. Readers may recall, from reports of coleslaw shortages experienced last summer on the East End, that the North and South Forks of Long Island are entirely dependent on producers up-island for supplies of coleslaw. The tanker delivery to Greenport was part of the East End Coleslaw Authority’s plan to stay ahead of demand for the salad, which is known to spike on summer weekends. “We are experimenting with bringing slaw in by tanker ships,” explained Coleslaw Authority President Angie Salett. “And, despite the setback experienced during this trial run, the Coleslaw Authority believes that a ship-based transportation system is our best way to insure healthy levels of coleslaw on the East End.” The official report on the accident is not yet available, although as we went to press it was reported that at least 10,000 gallons of usable coleslaw had been salvaged from the listing tanker.

Got His Goats
Last week tax authorities descended on a parcel of federal land on Shelter Island where Old Man McGumbus has been grazing his herd of Angora goats for at least 30 years. McGumbus, the 104-year-old WWII veteran and inventor of the bridal diaper, met the authorities at the gate that he erected on the federal land and threatened to ward the “intruders” off with a flamethrower. According to tax authorities, McGumbus had been granted permission to use the land for grazing his goats with the understanding that he would send quantities of mohair clothing to the tax officials by April 15 of each year. The authorities allege that this year, all they’ve gotten from McGumbus thus far is a box of surplus bridal diapers and several packages of goat jerky. McGumbus explained to the authorities that the winter has been so cold that he had been forced to delay the shearing of his goats, and thus had been unable to provide the mohair articles desired. This seemed to appease the tax officials, who departed, thoughtfully chewing on strips of dried goat.

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