The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of May 8–14, 2015

Week of May 8–14, 2015
Riders this past week: 15,412
Rider miles this past week: 109,312

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Dava Sobel, the author of the award winning book Longitude, was seen on the subway heading from the Springs to East Hampton on Wednesday. Chatting with her was Suzanne Vega and actress Mercedes Ruehl. In Southampton, Kim Kardashian was seen heading west toward Hampton Bays last Thursday afternoon with Howard Stern and his wife, Beth. All was reported to Hamptons Subway newsletter editor Alphonso Clemenz by Alicia MacPherson-Gaul, the chief of our spotter department, and we are grateful for it.

SHORTER TRIPS
Users of the Hamptons Subway last week took shorter trips than usual. We don’t know why. The week before they took longer trips. Maybe it was the nicer weather? But both weeks were very nice.

FOOD FIGHT
For the last two years, Subway, the fast food restaurant, has had the contract to be the franchise for the food kiosks on all platforms on Hamptons Subway. There’s two more years to go. But last week, a Chipotle kiosk showed up on the Bridgehampton platform across from the Subway. Diners didn’t know what to do. Eventually a lot of food got thrown from one kiosk to the other as Subway wanted to do a Chipotle on the interloper, and Chipotle wanted to “mussel” in. Chipotle called the Hamptons Police Department to come to their aid, but when the Subway Police arrived to help out the Subway Restaurant, the Hampton Police just melted away like so much American cheddar. As a result, Subway stayed and Chipotle packed up. The Subway maintenance people mopped up the big mess afterwards—mashed potatoes, baked beans, barbecue sauce, strawberry smoothies, sliced apples and Coca-Cola.

WALLY WINS AGAIN!
Once again, Wally Beaver, the boyfriend of Commissioner Aspinall’s 18-year-old daughter, Candy, has been awarded the honor of being Employee of the Month. This is the fourth month in a row for him, and the rest of the staff is discussing rebellion and protest. So far nothing has come of it, but comments such as “it pays to know the boss’s daughter, one way or another” or “I understood one month, and two, but three and now four?” and “Wally does nothing except stand in the front lobby staring at people when they come in and looking them up and down to make sure they are okay,” are not helpful. It’s also been noticed that he’s been four months on the job as lobby security monitor for the same four months he’s been Candy’s boyfriend. It’s also been four months since the security camera in the lobby broke. There are rumors there is going to be a demonstration in front of the building Saturday at 6 p.m., though it’s not certain just yet. Something is wrong here.

EXPANSION PLANS
Hamptons Subway has applied for the trademark North Fork Subway. Management is trying to persuade North Forkers to pledge the cash necessary to build the seven platforms there, but so far nobody has come forward. Hamptons Subway will not make a North Fork Subway unless they do. Hamptons Subway bought the North Fork trademark to prevent a group of farmers that years ago opened a North Fork Subway which went defunct, but might now rise up to try again. We can’t have that. Anyway, North Forkers, don’t get your hopes up.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Protesting against Wally Beaver won’t be tolerated. Anyone carrying a sign will be arrested. This is private property. And that’s how it is.

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