The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: August 8–14, 2015

Week of August 8–14, 2015
Riders this past week: 21,412
Rider miles this past week: 194,814

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Albert Einstein was seen on the Hamptons Subway going from Westhampton Beach to Quogue last Thursday carrying a book. It couldn’t have been him, though, because he died in 1955. Probably just someone who looks like him.

TURNSTILE SURVEILLANCE
Please be advised that as of next Friday, your passing through the turnstiles will also result in your receiving a full body scan looking for weapons. The scan will not result in slowing you down as you rush to make your train. It is just Hampton Subway’s way of helping you be safe as you go about your business. Furthermore, if the body scan discovers any health problem not there from the last time you went through, it will send you an email of what is now wrong. Happy traveling.

MAN FLUNKS MOTORMAN TEST & SUES
One of the requirements to become a licensed motorman on the Hamptons Subway system is to be able to bring a subway train precisely to a halt with the first of the six cars at the front end of the platform and the last of the six cars at the back of the platform. The subway platforms were designed to receive exactly six cars like this. And having all six cars at all platforms increases our capacity to serve our customers and means less waiting time for you. For us, it means more profits.

No motorman can receive his license without passing this test with a perfect five tries out of five. In the past, we’ve had fledgling motormen, after instruction, do four out of five tries for awhile, but eventually they get the five/five. It’s just a matter of stopping the lead car, in which they sit, at exactly the end of the platform. The rest just follow. In any case, Bertram T. Hennington, a man who has just moved to these parts from Amityville, flunked this test with either zero out of six or one out of six over and over again. We worked with him for days to get him through this. He passed a sobriety test. He passed the eye test. He didn’t appear to have any physical disabilities. So, reluctantly, we had to tell him he could not be a motorman for Hamptons Subway. As a result of this, he has sued us for $10 million, claiming his rights have been violated and that the reason he has been turned away is due to his religion, his race, his sexual orientation his ethnic background, his political affiliation, his anxiety level and his weight. We believe this lawsuit is without merit and intend to defend it vigorously.

TRANSFERS EXPLAINED
Customers know that when you swipe your card to get through the turnstiles, you get a transfer, which is for your leaving the subway system but then returning to ride on the system later that same day without further charge. It may have been the way we did it when we first introduced the transfer policy five years ago, but over the years, for one reason or another, we’ve had to shorten the time that a transfer is good for. We regret that we’ve never made any public announcement about this. By last spring, the time frame was one hour but now complaints have rolled in as people notice we have shortened it to 30 minutes. But seriously, how long does it take for you to do whatever you have to do between rides?

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
We don’t care if you’re cross-eyed. You still have to pass the motorman test to drive a subway train.

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