The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of August 15–21, 2015

Week of August 15–21, 2015
Riders this past week: 23,890
Rider miles this past week: 198,001

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Last Thursday at 7 a.m., TV personality and Sag Harbor resident Jon Stewart got on the subway at the Sag Harbor station, and, by all accounts, remained on it going around and around the system for the next 10 hours mumbling to himself. Sometimes he said “nothing changed, it was all for nothing,” and sometimes he said, “what do I do now?” It was just those two things, over and over. He left the system at Sag Harbor at 5 p.m. without saying another word.

TRUMP DELAY
During a TV interview on Fox at 7:30 p.m. Tuesday, Donald Trump said “I gave Hamptons Subway money for their Sore Throat Charity and now I find out they used it to throw a party for the staff. I don’t put up with stuff like that. They are all fired.” That resulted in the staff walking off crying and the subway closing down and it remained closed until the next morning when Commissioner Aspinall sent out a Tweet to the staff that Trump had nothing to do with Hamptons Subway and couldn’t fire anybody, and so everyone had to come back to work.

SNAKES DELAY
Another delay occurred for an hour on Sunday afternoon from 2 to 3 p.m. Beginning at 11 a.m., holes opened in the north side of the subway tunnel between Bridgehampton and Water Mill and garter snakes slithered out. Maintenance people, called to the scene caught the snakes and patched the holes but new holes kept appearing in need of being patched and finally at 2 p.m., maintenance just gave up and let through what turned out to be a migration of over 100 garter snakes who crossed the tracks and made new holes on the south wall and
then just disappeared into them. People grumbled about the delay, but environmentalists were overjoyed.

TURNSTILE JUMPING BLUETOOTHERS HALTED
Hamptons Subway is now issuing swipe cards—a little more expensive—which don’t need to be swiped. Customers are allowed to jump the turnstiles without swiping because these new cards deduct the fare when the customer steps through the sliding doors of the subway car. This promotion was halted when a group of geriatrics filed a lawsuit saying this turnstile jumping is discriminatory against older people.

DEATH ON THE HAMPTONS SUBWAY
For the first time since the subway was founded, someone was killed after being struck by an oncoming subway. And it did not happen on the tracks. Witnesses say that Paul Paulo, a 27-year-old hipster from Brooklyn, was struck while making a selfie of himself by leaning way over the edge of the platform to show the train bearing down on him over his shoulder. The train slammed into his shoulder and pushed him further down the platform, but he died before paramedics could get to him. His cell phone was found though, and it appears he died happy, smiling on his selfie as he made a gesture with his thumb to show the train coming.

FIGHTING AMONG THE PUSHERS
As everyone knows, the Hamptons Subway employs “pushers” during the summertime to keep the straphangers moving onto and off of the trains during rush hour. It’s a tough job, and last Monday, two fights involving four pushers occurred during the morning rush hour on the Southampton Platform. Fortunately, because the pushers wear helmets and padded gloves, there were no injuries. Thank goodness this did not involve the customers.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Just because Mr. Trump is running for President doesn’t mean he can fire Hamptons Subway employees. Get real, sir.

READ MORE HAMPTONS SUBWAY!

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