Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Weigh Artistic Merit of Illegal Two-Car Garage

The Hamptons Police Department was called to a North Sea home on Wednesday after the owner, Buck W. Sztuka, stopped bulldozers from demolishing his two-car garage. Stzuka, who built the garage without a obtaining permit or filing an application with any Hamptons review board, insists that the garage is art and therefore not beholden to local zoning laws.

“This is not a garage,” Stzuka said as he handcuffed himself to the structure and swallowed the key in front of the Hamptons Municipal Demolition crew. “This is a Neo-Dada/Colorist masterpiece.”

The homeowner’s attorney presented police with evidence to support his claims, noting, “The doors are purple, the vent is purple and it is signed across the facade by the artist, Mr. Jaque di Broviante.”

Police spokesman Larry Hirsch said Stzuka has been arrested, but HMD crews have been ordered to stop the demolition while the case is under review. “We believe this structure is just that—a structure—but the Hamptons prosecutor and his team are currently exploring whether or not a structure can also be art,” Hirsch said in a statement. “Hamptons PD is keeping a close eye on Mr. Stzuka’s property while this issue is resolved,” he added, “But for the record, we don’t like where this is leading.”

To Hirsch’s point, Hamptons police officers say colorful sheds, garages, tennis courts and even a pink swimming pool have begun popping up illegally around the Hamptons. “We’re concerned about these colorful accessory structures,” Hirsch said. “I have a pretty good feeling what comes next, and it doesn’t bode well for the community.”

Police researchers have learned that the “artist” who Stzuka claims created his two-car garage, Jaque di Broviante, is in fact a well-known architect and designer, and Stzuka’s brother in-law.

“Mr. di Broviante is the man responsible for designing a monstrous and thankfully unrealized 150-yard saltwater swimming pool for billionaire Derwood Hodgegrass,” Hirsch said. “As far as we know, the man is not known for painting or sculpture or photography, so our prosecutor is also looking at whether or not an architect and designer can legitimately be called an artist, with the exception of Frank Lloyd Wright and that guy who did all the buildings in Barcelona,” Hirsch said.

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