The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: October 29 – November 4, 2015

Week of October 29 – November 4, 2015
Riders this past week: 9,412
Rider miles this past week: 99,999

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Kelly Ripa was seen Wednesday morning traveling from Sag Harbor to East Hampton carrying a framed photograph of a star embedded in a sidewalk somewhere with her name on it. Lorne Michaels of Amagansett was seen carrying Obi-Wan Kenobi’s staff traveling Saturday afternoon between Quiogue and Westhampton Beach. Staffs and canes are discouraged on the subway line.

WHY?
We’ve been asked to explain why the Halloween Subway Marathon was cancelled this year. It was a big success last year, but then there were problems so we couldn’t continue with it. The problem was the stragglers. The gun went off at the Southampton Station at 3 a.m. when the system was shut down for maintenance, and everybody in full costume ran off down the tracks to Westhampton Beach 26.2 miles away. We had been promised it would all be over by 6 a.m. when service starts up again, but it wasn’t and all the walkers, people in wheelchairs and other stragglers got mixed up with the trains and it slowed the service down to a crawl for awhile. So we decided not to do it again this year, sorry.

WEDDING RING DAY
Next Tuesday is Wedding Ring Claim Day. Stop down at the Hamptons Subway building in Hampton Bays with a sketch of the wedding ring that you or your spouse threw off the train in anger during the past six months, and if our maintenance people found it, your drawing matches what we’ve got, your description of the gems and their number of karats matches what our jeweler says—Jeweler Henry Peacock has been hired for the day—and you can give a fair explanation of why you threw it off the train then the ring is yours, no further questions asked.

SUBWAY 100% ON TIME
A study we ordered done for the past six months shows that all subway trains arrived at the stations within 10 minutes of when they were supposed to. That is how the airlines measures online departures and arrival on-time percentages and we are thrilled that our 100% success is far and away better than they are. The subway trains run at six-minute intervals throughout the system from 6 a.m. to 2 a.m. every day, and we are proud of our on-time service.

EMBEZZLER CAUGHT
Jackie McCracken, who is our bookkeeper here at Hamptons Subway, was recently indicted for embezzling more than $300,000 from the company during the last two years. When police went to arrest her at her home, however, it was said she was on a plane heading back from a five-day trip to Las Vegas. She did really well out there, she said when she returned and she not only is giving back the $300,000 but she’s adding another $600,000 to it. We are delighted with this and hope that more people do what she did. As a result we are declaring next Wednesday Jackie McCracken day at Hampton Subway. We also invited her to take her old job back, but she declined saying she is retiring to Bimini. Who could blame her! All hail Jackie McCracken!

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
I’m down here in Palm Beach talking once again to the mayor about possibly putting in a subway line in this fair city—it makes my vacation here a reimbursable company expense—and I’ve just been told that some kids dressed as witches are flying around through the Hamptons Subway tunnels on broomsticks powered by lawnmower engines, and this cannot continue.

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