The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of November 12–18, 2015

Week of November 12–18, 2015
Riders this past week: 7,942
Rider miles this past week: 76,909

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Ann Liguori, the well-known sports broadcaster, was seen carrying a first baseman’s mitt while riding the subway between Quiogue and Westhampton Beach on Monday. Hans Van de Bovenkamp, the famous sculptor who has a studio in Bridgehampton, caused a 10-minute delay in the service while trying to wrestle one of his nine-foot bronzes onto a subway car in Bridgehampton on Tuesday morning. He was taking it out to Montauk. Some of the other straphangers helped him push it in, though. Matt Lauer, in full cowboy gear, was seen on the subway heading from Noyac to North Sea on Wednesday afternoon. There was a pleasant smell of manure in that car for a while.

LAWSUIT FROM MISSING TRAIN
A lawsuit has been filed against Hamptons Subway for $200 million by a wealthy mergers and acquisition man who has insisted we leave his name out of the newsletter. His suit claims that Hamptons Subway advertised a 9:45 a.m. train pulling out of the station in Southampton headed for Water Mill, and he got there at that time, but the train was just pulling out and he was unable to get it to come back by yelling. As a result, he was unable to get to the closing of the AT&T/DIRECTV merger in time to participate in it, a fact that cost him the amount of the lawsuit. Our subway trains run at six-minute intervals and our train schedules are only for show, but our lawyers tell us that if we abandon distributing them now we will be liable double for what we owe this man, since abandoning the distribution shows guilt by association or something.

CONDUCTOR LOSES JOB BECAUSE OF WEDDING RING
Two weeks ago Thursday was Wedding Ring Thursday, when customers went to our headquarters building and identified wedding rings thrown in anger onto the tracks during the year. On Thursday, though, a Hamptons Subway whistleblower noticed that on the fourth finger of the left hand of the wife of one of our conductors, there was a diamond wedding ring that must have been worth $100,000, and it is well known this man, Carl Hassenfraffer, does not have that kind of money. As a result, Hassenfraffer has confessed to keeping the thrown ring and giving it to his wife and has resigned from the company. The whistleblower who will remain anonymous, will receive a $500 reward for turning Hassenfraffer in.

ANOTHER HALLOWEEN PRANK
Hamptons Subway has been suffering a five-minute delay between East Hampton and Sag Harbor since maroon paint was found painted on the tracks for 100 yards by some person we do not know who might be a student at East Hampton High School. Maroon and white are the colors of that high school and on the day the paint appeared, the East Hampton High School football team was playing Southampton High School for the annual Hamptons Cup. Whatever this paint is sticks to both the tracks and the wheels, slows down the trains and so far we have not been able to get it off. Please excuse the delay.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Two weeks from today is Thanksgiving Turkey Giveaway Day, when we give everybody passing through the turnstiles a 50-pound frozen turkey to take home whether they like it or not. I hope our ridership is more cooperative this year than it was last, when there was a dip in the ridership numbers by more than 60% that day as riders stayed home rather than accept this heavy gift. Come on, people.

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