The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of November 5–11, 2015

Week of November 5–11, 2015
Riders this past week: 8,412
Rider miles this past week: 92,388

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Paul Simon was seen traveling on the subway heading east from Amagansett toward Montauk carrying a guitar on Saturday morning. Probably heading home from somewhere. Paul McCartney was seen heading toward East Hampton from Sag Harbor on Sunday carrying a guitar. Probably heading home to Amagansett. Jon Bon Jovi and Sting were seen taking the subway from Bridgehampton to East Hampton on Monday carrying guitars, probably going to one or another of their homes. Playing music on the subway is forbidden, unless you have a license from the Commissioner.

HALLOWEEN PRANK
At 5 a.m. when the subway trains are prepared out at Montauk Yards for the day, the maintenance people discovered that one of the subway cars was missing. But there was a note on the tracks. It read “GONE TO MANHATTAN. THE BOYS.” But there is no way it could have gone to Manhattan. That afternoon, however, it was found, uninjured, on a siding by the firehouse up in Noyac. When we get our hands on these boys, we’ll give ’em a whupping they won’t soon forget.

NEW UNIFORMS
At the request of some riders who fail to get off at the station they want to, we’ve now ordered that subway employees wear uniforms required for the station they are at. So employees will wear white in Montauk, yellow in Amagansett, magenta in East Hampton, blue in Sag Harbor, purple in Bridgehampton, black in Water Mill, pink in Southampton and so forth. Charts at the entries of all subway stations will show the colors. Employees will change from one set of uniforms to another as they move from place to place. This requirement does not apply to motormen or flagmen.

SQUEAL AT TROUT POND
Ever since Hamptons Subway was founded, we’ve all had to put up with a nasty squeal of the wheels when trains come around the curve under Trout Pond between Noyac and Sag Harbor. Recently, the Brookhaven National Lab (BNL) took a shot at figuring out how to stop it—these are the people who built the moon rover—and provided us with a goo to put on the tracks there. It worked for about an hour. We think BNL is on the right track and are looking to them for an improved goo.

CHATTER CAR
Hamptons Subway is introducing a new service. It is a subway car where you will be able to indulge in the latest cellphone fad, which is texting to someone next to you and having the receiver of it mumble exactly what it says aloud so everyone around them can hear. “Chattering” as it is called, will be illegal on cars not designated for chattering, but look for the “chatter car,” that is the last car in every other train, which is to say that since trains come through at six-minute intervals, if the one that just arrives does not have a chatter car then the next one will.

COMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Due to the large number of free subway swipe cards we now have to give out to people who get government assistance—a new law just passed—we will have to cut back on other things. It will therefore be necessary to cut back on Christmas decorations at the stations this year. All platforms will still have trees, but they will be three feet tall, not six. Also wreaths will only be on the front of every other train, rather than on all the trains.

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