Hamptons Subway Newsletter: December 10–16, 2015

Tina Fey told jokes on the Hamptons Subway this week
Tina Fey told jokes on the Hamptons Subway this week, Photo: John Shearer, Meinzahn/Getty Images Entertainment, iStock Editorial/Thinkstock

Week of December 10–16, 2015
Riders this past week: 8,433
Rider miles this past week: 100,980

Louis C.K. was seen traveling from North Haven to Sag Harbor on Sunday morning, telling jokes to the crowds. That same morning, Jerry Seinfeld was seen telling jokes while heading from Amagansett to East Hampton, as was Jon Stewart, going from North Sea to Noyac and Tina Fey, heading from Shinnecock to Southampton. Hamptons Subway Security Police, called in to quell what appeared to be cases of the giggles on several platforms determined that the comedians traveling around were not connected to one another, didn’t know anyone else in their craft was out there and were otherwise on the up and up. The worst imbroglio occurred on the Southampton platform where customers had to be separated for snorting, laughing and hitting each other over the head with rolled-up newspapers they had bought at the newsstand down there.

Around two o’clock in the morning, one of the subway cars being cleaned at the Montauk Yards rolled slowly down the tracks by itself to the chain-link fence that is supposed to keep the trains inside at that hour, found it open and raced out onto the tracks and down toward Napeague. Some of the maintenance people followed it out but couldn’t keep up.

The car, #22, then speeded up and roared out through the Napeague and Amagansett stations, then on to East Hampton, Sag Harbor and Bridgehampton, and after that was lost for a while. Half an hour later, however, #22 was reported in Quogue and then Westhampton Beach, and after that it came back east, only to go around again when it got back to Napeague.

In the course of this little escapade, the car, with its horn continuously blowing, scattered a group of people who were attending an annual Qigong Meditation Conference out on the tracks at that hour between Southampton and Hampton Bays and then another meeting further west of the Hamptons Extreme Hand-Combat Committee in Quiogue which, while scattering, caused a series of small fires. (Hamptons Subway hires out the tracks at different locations without regard to race, religion, color, creed, obesity or gender.)

After two further hours of this rampage, the subway car appeared to tire a bit, slowed down and finally came back down Napeague at a slow trot where it found the chain link fence door still open and so came back in to the spot where it had left.

Commissioner Aspinall says he cannot account for this behavior, but cautions maintenance crew member to see to it that ignitions are turned off, and the chain-link fence gate is kept closed and guarded at all times so this won’t happen again.

Until 15 years ago, the turnstiles were activated by putting a subway token in a slot, waiting for it to fall down a tube into a metal bucket inside, and then pushing the turnstile bar that lets you go through. Some youngsters got these tokens back out by sucking on the slot when nobody was looking, and nobody ever did come up with a way of putting an end to this, until finally we switched to swipe cards.

This is Aspen, Colorado Week on the Hamptons Subway. Full-color images of Aspen will be projected on the walls of all stations during this week, brochures will be handed out by the conductors and ski equipment pop-up stores will appear on all platforms just for the week. All this is courtesy of the Aspen, Colorado Chamber of Commerce.


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