The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: December 17–23, 2015

Week of December 17–23, 2015
Riders this past week: 7,143
Rider miles this past week: 99,942

We’ve had several sightings of the singer Adele taking the Hamptons Subway, but it might be just somebody who looks like her. She was sighted heading from Hampton Bays to Shinnecock on Wednesday morning and from Westhampton Beach to Speonk on Thursday morning. On Friday, she was seen riding the subway between Shelter Island and Sag Harbor, reading Dan’s Papers when she burst into song. It definitely was not her, our spy says. This person sings way off key.

With the Army Corps of Engineers winding up their work rebuilding the dunes on the beach in downtown to protect Montauk from flooding, it turns out that the $9 million project will cost only $6 million. After some conversation with Hamptons Subway Commissioner Aspinall and the owners of some nightspots in Montauk, it’s been decided to use the $3 million to dig new tunnels and install a new network of subway stops throughout Montauk connecting the major nightspots there. The stops will be at the Surf Lodge on Edgemere Street, Navy Beach on Navy Road, the Sloppy Tuna on Emerson Avenue downtown, Ruschmeyer’s on Second House Road and the Crows Nest on West Lake Drive. The regular part of the subway system closes at 2 a.m. for nightly maintenance, but this new spur will close at 4 a.m. and make its own circular route around Montauk for all the partygoers.

There’s not enough money for both up and down escalators at each station, so after considering having escalators at just half the stations, it has been decided to have just up escalators and, where a new down escalator might be put in the future, just have a long metal slide from street level so the partygoers can get down easily. Of course people can always use the stairs. The new subway line is a loop, and is designed so summer partygoers can party hop from one night spot to another without having to drive, which is a good thing because a lot of drinking goes on at these night spots.

The Montauk Loop Spur can be accessed at the regular downtown Montauk stop where riders come in from Amagansett, East Hampton and points west. There’s a free transfer. Once on the Hamptons Subway you stay on the Hamptons Subway—but now you’re on the Montauk Loop Spur party ride. You can leave Montauk by hopping off at downtown too, of course, and head home to the Hamptons to sober up. The Loop Spur should be open by May 1, if construction proceeds on schedule.

During the last half of December, riders on the Hamptons Subway, once they get onto a subway train, will be treated to a whole Christmas program on the PA system. After the lady says “Watch Out for the Closing Doors,” the subway will begin to move and that will begin the recording. It begins with the crack of the whip, then the sound of jingle bells and the voice of Santa announcing all the reindeer, in order, followed with a finale Ho, Ho, Ho.

If there is remaining time after that before the train arrives at the next station, riders will be treated with a commercial over the PA from a local merchant or two. If interested in rates, call the Hamptons Subway line at 555-HAM-SUBWAY.

As my wife and I do every year, we will take our annual vacation on safari in Botswana over the Christmas and New Year holidays. Speaking for ourselves and the animals, I say Merry Christmas to you all.


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