The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of February 5–12, 2016

Week of February 5–12, 2016
Riders this past week: 12,871
Rider miles this past week: 104,712

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Jules Feiffer, the cartoonist, was seen on the subway heading from Sag Harbor to East Hampton on Friday afternoon. He was sketching people sitting near him. Some laughed. Others ran away.

PROMOTING THE TOWNS
Beginning next week, subway riders will be able to get a brief history of the town or village they are about to stop at. Look for the big blue button just to the right of the subway doors before you exit, press it, and a recorded voice will announce the next stop and then give a 15 second summary of its attributes. For example, at Bridgehampton, the voice says “Bridgehampton, the home of baseball player Carl Yastrzemski, potato farmers, the Beebee Windmill and the Candy Kitchen.” Just be sure not to press the button when the voice is about to announce “watch out for the closing doors.” That could cause people to get batted around or pinched up.

ALTERNATE TRANSPORTATION
As you probably know, Hamptons Subway provides alternative transportation for people who suffer from claustrophobia and are uncomfortable going through tunnels. On presenting a letter from a doctor, any straphanger can get passage on Hamptons Subway by going up the stairs and out to the street where eight-seat mini-vans are parked ready to take sufferers to wherever they want on our route. Just swipe your subway card when you get on. But now, we are taking the mini-vans out of service. They are being replaced by open convertibles and pickup trucks with bench seating in the back for the customers who now, sitting pretty much out in the open, should be just fine.

SUBWAY COMMISSIONER VOTE LOOMS
Anita Atlas, one of the stockholders of Hamptons Subway has challenged Bill Aspinall for the chairmanship of the Hamptons Subway, so, according to the bylaws, there has to be a vote. It’s now scheduled for March 10, and in anticipation of it, a debate was supposed to take place two days ago in the assembly hall of the Hamptons Subway building in Hampton Bays at 7 p.m. It never happened, though. Atlas pulled out when she learned that the moderator was to be Carly McKracken, who famously married Anita’s first husband, and the two are not friends. Anita said she would consider coming if there were a different moderator and would look at a list that Hamptons Subway could provide her to see who she considered acceptable, but that list has not yet happened. Atlas also called Aspinall “stupid.” We don’t know how this will wind up.

MEDICAL MARIJUANA
Hamptons Subway made an application to the state to be allowed to sell medical marijuana at the newsstands down on our platforms. We considered it a long shot. Nevertheless, as it has turned out, we were approved. Between Montauk and Westhampton, to get your medical marijuana, you will have to go down to the platform nearest to you and buy it at the newsstand that is there. Just remember there is no smoking on the subway platforms or cars so after you get it—in its tightly wrapped butcher paper—just carry it with you up and out to the street before you use it. Yes, you will have to swipe your subway card to get there.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
My compliments to our staff during the recent blizzard. I understand all the trains kept to their schedules. And the snow shovelers kept all the steps clear at the stops. Aloha from the British Virgins.

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