The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of March 17–23, 2016

Week of March 17–23, 2016
Riders this past week: 11,823
Rider miles this past week: 123,812

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Mayor Epley was seen traveling from Monument Square to Main Street, Southampton at 3 p.m. to make his weekly Tuesday board meeting. Mark Zuckerberg was seen traveling from East Hampton to Amagansett last Wednesday, and Leonardo DiCaprio was seen heading out to Montauk from Amagansett late in the afternoon on Tuesday. Billy Joel was seen trying to wrestle an old motorcycle onto a subway car in Sag Harbor on Sunday afternoon.

ANNUAL CLEAN UP THE PLATFORMS DAY
Riders who felt bad about being financially unable to contribute to the big Hamptons Subway endowment drive last month might make themselves feel better by volunteering for Clean the Platforms Night, which is next Thursday from 9 p.m. to midnight. Go down to the subway platform nearest you between those hours and you will be handed a broom and sent off to clean up some of the debris on the platform there. The best part is that at midnight, you get to keep the broom!

SUBWAY SANDWICH COMPETITION
Next Saturday night is the big Subway Food Kiosk Cook-off. As you know, Hamptons Subway leased out the food concessions on all the platforms to the Subway Restaurant Company on a five-year, one-time renewable basis. It’s in its second year now, and it’s a good thing because the name of the restaurant kiosk is the same name as the Subway system and so mentioning one brings to mind the other, which is a sort of win-win situation for both, a synergy as they call it, though you might want one but not the other. Anyways, there may be 16 Subways on 16 Subway platforms, but which one makes the best footlong bologna, salami and provolone with lettuce, tomato, mustard and mayo? On Saturday, subway riders are invited to purchase and then judge each footlong on each platform, socking them down and then rating them on the form given out at the turnstiles from 1 to 10 (10 being El Primo.) The winner will be announced April 1 in Dan’s Papers Hamptons Subway Newsletter, receive the Hamptons Subway Footlong Trophy for 2016, and get a letter of accomplishment and raise, request sent to the boss at Subway, the restaurant, not the Subway.

HOPEFULS CROSS PATHS
All the hopefuls for the Republican Presidential nomination took over a subway car going westbound from Montauk on Friday at noon while all the hopefuls for the Democratic Presidential nomination took over a subway car going eastbound from Westhampton Beach, and when they passed one another between Southampton and Shinnecock, they all rolled down the windows and yelled at one other.

MOVIES BEING MADE ON THE SUBWAY
Usually, when a film studio applies to shut down the subway system to make a scene on Hamptons Subway, we make sure there is not a second movie shooting at the same time. Next Thursday, the Hampton Bays platform will be closed for a film from noon to 5 p.m., but at the same time at the same platform we have, by mistake, booked a second studio. One movie is about a high-society wedding on that platform to end the film. The other film, however, is a horror movie about a monster that gets electrified by the third rail and interrupts a wedding taking place on that platform and runs off with the bride. Because we want to see what happens, we are not telling either about the other.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Mr. Aspinall is on a ski vacation in Aspen. He reports that it is raining.

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