The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of May 27–June 2, 2016

Week of May 27–June 2, 2016
Riders this past week: 17,832
Rider miles this past week: 141,712

DOWN IN THE TUBE
World famous painter Jackson Pollock was seen riding the Hamptons Subway between Springs and East Hampton last Wednesday at midnight. Many people reported this and all said it was him. The fact is, Jackson Pollock died in a car crash in 1956, and so it was more likely actor Ed Harris, who played him in the Oscar winning movie Pollock, which got an 81% score on Rotten Tomatoes. What was Ed doing here?

WE APOLOGIZE
The announcement of the next station on all the subway trains is made by a recorded announcement in the motorman’s car. The motorman presses the button that activates it as he approaches each station. Last Saturday at 5 p.m., during our busiest time, that recording device broke on train #26 and so the motorman made the announcement himself as he drove along, reading from a sheet. Unfortunately, he was one station behind the rest of the day, which confused and angered his passengers. It’s what happens when you do two things at once. People banged on his door. But he went on and on.

MEMORIAL DAY CROWD CONTROL
Every summer when the kids get home from college in mid-June, a team of them gets employed as “pushers” on the platforms. Wearing football helmets and boxing gloves, they shove subway riders into the cars when the trains come in to keep things moving. For Memorial Day this weekend, we don’t have the pushers yet, so to avoid the problems, we have made chalk lines on the floor of each platform indicating where to stand for car 1, 2, 3 and so forth as they come in. When the train arrives and the doors slide open, board in an orderly fashion moving forward one car at a time. Each car on each train has a chalk number on the side. Enter the one that corresponds to where you stood.

ELON MUSK’S EXPERIMENTS
We are proud to announce that we are leasing the entire subway system for five minutes at 2 a.m. next Tuesday to Elon Musk, the auto manufacturer who is experimenting with high speed travel—at speeds up to 800 miles an hour through tubes that use vacuums and magnets. Volunteers for his experiment should contact the Hamptons Subway office any day before Monday from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. The first 400 applicants will be accepted.

TURNSTILE PADDLE SLAP
At the East Hampton station last Friday, the metal bar at the fourth turnstile from the right began malfunctioning around 8 p.m., and, as you went through using your swipe card, would give you a quick slap on the backside to hurry you along. No one was injured because of this, but some women (and one man) called our office to say they were experiencing some sort of sexual harassment. It didn’t help that when we sent an employee down there with an OUT OF ORDER sign, he put it on the fourth turnstile from the left rather than the right. We corrected that error as soon as we learned of it.

WI-FI GOES DOWN AT SOUTHAMPTON
The Wi-Fi service we offer up for free on Hamptons Subway went down at the Southampton station for an hour on Tuesday between 4 and 5 p.m. The crowd went from being a giant herd of robots punching tiny buttons to a crowd of people all chattering away talking animatedly to one another. We regret the drop in service during that hour.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Just want to wish all subway customers a happy Memorial Day weekend. Enjoy our service.

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