Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Discover Small Car Tunnel

On Thursday, the Hamptons Police Department, responding to an anonymous tip, discovered a tunnel starting west of the Shinnecock Canal, running underneath the canal and culminating in an unobtrusive opening off of a driving range in Tuckahoe. According to police, the tunnel is of sufficient dimensions to allow compact vehicles to pass through one at a time.

“This is a totally professional tunnel,” Hamptons Police spokesman Larry Hirsch said. “It’s got lighting, tiled walls, ventilation, you name it.”

Apparently, the tunnel was discovered when golfers at the driving range started noticing Smart cars, MINI Coopers and vintage Volkswagens suddenly appearing on the grass field where they practice.

“At first they might have thought that somebody was lost or was trying to cut across the driving range to avoid traffic,” Hirsch said, “but then it just became a stream of small cars all morning long, and somebody saw fit to drop dime.”

Police theorize that the tunnel was constructed over the winter with an eye toward allowing motorists—those who were granted knowledge of its existence, that is—to skirt the interminable traffic.

“The trick is, they all had to drive really small cars, which rich people seldom do,” noted Hirsch.

Consequently, police are calling on members of the public to provide information regarding wealthy people who have recently traded in their Land Rovers for MINIs.

Read more tales from the Hamptons Police Blotter

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