Police Blotter

Restaurateur Arrested Amidst Allegations of False ‘Local’ Ingredients

A local restaurateur was arrested Thursday for misrepresenting items on his restaurant’s menu as being “sourced locally.” According to Hamptons Police spokesman Larry Hirsch, the claims of local provenance for the restaurant’s produce were easily disproven.

“He was saying that his corn came from here, his pumpkins came from here, his watermelon came from here, his cauliflower came from here. Now, it doesn’t take a rocket surgeon to figure out that that can’t be true.”

Hirsch went on to point out that it’s only early July, and that the produce cited by the restaurant owner as being grown locally won’t become available locally until later in the summer. “All you have to do is drive around. The corn isn’t ready to harvest. C’mon!” Hirsch noted that the Hamptons Police have been stepping up their undercover activities in an ongoing effort to stamp out erroneous claims of locavore credibility.

“Chief is a bit of an amateur chef himself,” said Hirsch, “and he’s a major foodie. He set aside a substantial budget for the high food tabs that our officers are forced to pile up in the line of duty.” The restaurateur in question was apparently defiant at his arraignment, claiming to be in possession of receipts for the produce. The judge wasn’t hearing it, and remanded the suspect to the Hamptons Jail.

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