Police Blotter

Hamptons Officials Report Kanye Shortage in Water Mill

Officials in Water Mill contacted emergency crews last week to report an unexpected shortage of Kanye in the hamlet.

“People had come to our hamlet with an expectation of Kanye,” Water Mill spokesperson Denise Finch says, “and it turned out there wasn’t any. It was a bit of a disaster.”

In recent weeks it had been reported that Water Mill would have a supply of Kanye on the weekend in question, which presumably prompted a lot of Kanye-deficient people to go to extraordinary lengths to get to Water Mill to take advantage of the Kanye access. According to emergency personnel who were able to reach the resulting area of acute Kanye-lessness, there was a scene of utter misery and dejection as people searched in vain to find any Kanye.

“Some kind soul offered to repeat some banal melodic phrases into an Autotuned microphone, and even managed to rap fitfully and incoherently for several minutes,” one emergency worker reported. “But the Kanye-deprived crowd was too far gone to be revived by such well-meant measures. After all, it might have sounded a lot like Kanye, but it wasn’t Kanye.”

More than 45 people suffered from serious Kanye deprivation, and were taken to the hospital for evaluation.

“Beyond those who suffered a critical response to the Kanye drought, we have found the community to be feeling a general sense of malaise and hopelessness,” Finch says, noting that the Hamptons and, most notably, Water Mill will be feeling the effects for some time. “Time or an actual dose of Kanye are the only things that can fix this,” she adds, doing little to hide her own dismay.

Read more tales from the Hampton Police Blotter

Facebook Comments

Show More

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *