The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of September 23–29, 2016

Week of September 23–29, 2016
Riders this past week: 13,800
Rider miles this past week: 92,412

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Sarah Jessica Parker was spotted on the subway heading from East Hampton to Amagansett reading a script called Divorce. Remember, you read it here in the Hamptons Subway Newsletter.

THE 8K SHUT DOWN DAY RUN
As we mentioned last week, Hamptons Subway will shut down it’s “spur” lines that go from Jobs Lane to Cooper’s Beach in Southampton and Newtown Lane to Main Beach in East Hampton on September on September 24 and 25 respectively. There will be a band playing at sunset on the beach on those days and Billy Buttons will play “Taps” on his trumpet at sunset. Our new marketing director Melissa Montague, taking over (from our departing marketing director Bob Borough who thought this up) is adding to the festivities. Shutting down the beach shuttle means closing the enormous iron doors, ten-feet-wide and twelve-feet-high that swing shut on their hinges to keep the winter surges from backing up into the tunnels. And so at 6:45 p.m., at the two main street platforms, runners in bathing suits will head off for the beaches to see if they can get to them before the door clangs shut. All those getting through before they do will receive free subway passes for the month of October. So get your suits on. It will be 6:45 p.m. on Saturday in Southampton and 6:45 p.m. on Saturday in East Hampton. All those not making it in time, of course, will have to turn back and run or walk back to town.

CAFETERIA “EXPERIMENT” FAILS
Beginning on Monday, the food served at the second floor employee cafeteria in the Hamptons Subway office building in Hampton Bays will once again be hamburgers, hot dogs, hot fudge sundaes and fried chicken. The health food experiment—kale, yogurt, fresh fruit, soy milk and vegetables—implemented for the last two weeks has only resulted in everybody who works at the Subway building packing lunches in the morning to bring to work. This has resulted in wilting, spoiling and a bad smell from the new experimental food and we can’t keep it around the building. Our apologies to every employee who has been inconvenienced by this. And if anyone knows who might want the leftover good-for-you-food please contact dietician Daisy McCauley to make arrangements.

DRIVERLESS SUBWAY TRAINS ARE HERE
The first batch of six subway trains run by robots has just arrived and, as soon as we get them cleaned up from the long trip from Canada where they were made, we will put them into service. In addition to everything else new on these trains, you’ll find the absence of emergency cords in every car to get the train to stop. The robots won’t be stopping for anything like this anymore. And the cords were just a bother to have in the cars anyway.

NEWER, LARGER DRAINS
In keeping with the way to keep climate change flooding under control, we are replacing the existing two-feet-in-diameter drain plugs at the low points in all the tunnels with drain plugs that are four feet in diameter. When unplugged, this will increase the speed at which flood waters flows down the drain and into the bedrock below.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
I know the entire staff of Hamptons Subway is excited to be receiving their new green uniforms to replace the red and black ones they have to wear now. We all want to strike a blow against climate change and green is the way to go.

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