Police Blotter

Employee of the Month Loser Calls Contest ‘Rigged’

The Hamptons Police Department was called to Billy Jack’s Good Goods budget department store on Thursday to stop a scuffle that broke out immediately following the announcement of October’s Employee of the Month. Apparently, police said, Billy Jack’s Good Goods’ top seller, who could not accept his loss to a more experienced clerk, began calling the contest “rigged” and inciting the workers in his department to violence.

Upon hearing that Jane Fontroyale had been named Employee of the Month, Barry Klunk insisted management reassess their choice, and when they calmly explained that they had chosen the best candidate for the title, he just went ballistic and starting yelling, “This whole thing is rigged! Rigged!” over and over while kicking over product displays, including a very expensive rack of spooky talking animal skeletons that had been installed for the Halloween season.

“Billy Jack’s Good Goods reports that a frog skeleton, dachshund dog skeleton, cat skeleton, vulture skeleton, piranha skeleton and pug dog skeleton were destroyed during the ensuing melee,” Hamptons Police spokesman Larry Hirsch explained on Friday. “Mr. Klunk just could not, or would not, accept defeat.”

Worse, several of Klunk’s most ardent and deplorable followers joined the fray and broke open some 57 containers of off-brand peanut butter, shampoo and snack cakes. Police said they were not charged because without Klunk;s influence, most seemed to recede back into normal behavior.

Klunk may have been especially embarrassed, according to fellow Billy Jack’s Good Goods employees—Fontroyale among the accusers—because in September, he had been quite vocal about the fact that he would certainly be the following month’s top employee. Unfortunately for Klunk, hubris was trumped by experience, and his October Employee of the Month dreams wouldn’t come to pass, no matter how well his department performed.

“The guy just lost it,” Hirsch said, noting that Hamptons Police officers managed to subdue Klunk and brought him to jail, where he belongs.

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