The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of October 7–13, 2016

Week of October 7 – 13, 2016
Riders this past week: 12,312
Rider miles this past week: 88,889

Fashion designer Isaac Mizrahi was seen on a subway last Thursday morning heading from Sag Harbor to Bridgehampton. On the same car, but across from him was actor Mark Consuelos. Both were staring out the windows when they were spotted. On the platform in East Hampton, Louis C.K. was seen jumping on and off a subway car just missing the closing doors each time until finally he stopped at “off” and the subway pulled out. Then he got on the next train six minutes later and went to Amagansett. We don’t know what that was all about. Seemed like some kind of routine.

Last Wednesday, it was learned that the Hamptons Subway, a private enterprise, has not paid any taxes to the government in all the years it has been in existence. It’s never even filed a return. “We provide an excellent service for the well-to-do and the not-so-well-to-do in the Hamptons,” said Subway Commissioner Bill Aspinall. “We can’t be bothered with all the paperwork. We are just focused on doing a really good job.” Assistant Commissioner Bill Able said “Aspinall is a genius paying no taxes. Imagine how bad the system would be if he had paid them. Where would the money have come from to pay for all the improvements we made?”

This weekend is the Hamptons International Film Festival and, celebrating it, Hamptons Subway will be holding a competing film festival of its own. TVs will be set up on every platform and also on every subway car we have, and if HIFF, as it calls itself, is concentrating on all the latest award winning new films just out, Hamptons Subway will be concentrating on showing older films—actually the favorite films of Subway Commissioner Bill Aspinall from the extensive library of Betamax videotapes he collected back in the 1980s. Who doesn’t miss Burt Reynolds and what’s her name who was the Flying Nun? Wild Bill has them all.

With four different videotape films on each platform, 12 on each six car subway trains and 15 platforms, there will be more than 200 films going at any one time, all on infinite loop tapes so if you miss a part of one you can see it again later that day, or the next day even. And, unlike HIFF, there’s no waiting on any lines to get to see any of them and no dog tags to wear. Also, you won’t have to rate what you saw after you saw it. Just swipe your subway card, look up and you’re in movieland. Bang.

Our new marketing director Jake Handslaw, who has organized this film festival, is a film expert, having been, for the last four years, the curator of the Aspinall Betamax Collection in the viewing room at Aspinall’s lavish home on Meadow Lane in Southampton. He was released only last week from that job after our last marketing director got the boot, as did all the others before him (or her), so let’s welcome Jake with an overwhelming turnout.

The Motormen’s Union, whose contract expires next month, has proposed a plan to take 6% across the board pay cuts for next year. They say they are paid more than motormen on other systems, suffered too many days when the subways were late last year and hope to do better next year. Commissioner Aspinall has accepted their offer.

Some of these old films I have not seen in weeks, so I’m really looking forward to the HSFF this weekend. On the matter of our taxes, I’d like to ask you to write your Congressmen to tell them to call off their dogs. If they make us pay any fines, the cost of a ride will go up from the current $2.75 to $246,812.50.


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