Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of December 10–16, 2016

Artist rendering: Sag Harbor Hamptons Subway station as Tunnel of Love entry point
Artist rendering: Sag Harbor Hamptons Subway station as Tunnel of Love entry point, Photo: Oliver Peterson, girafchik123/123RF, Elena Elisseeva/Hemera/Thinkstock

Week of December 10–16, 2016
Riders this past week: 21,412
Rider miles this past week: 116,412

Filmmaker Susan Lacy was carrying shopping bags filled with presents on the subway heading between Sag Harbor and Bridgehampton on Saturday afternoon. Actor Jack Nicholson was chatting with Leonardo DiCaprio heading from Hampton Bays to Shinnecock on Sunday.

Here’s some alarming news. Subway Commissioner Bill Aspinall has learned that the aggressive new international company Tunnel of Love is about to announce an attempted hostile takeover of the Hamptons Subway system.

“I received a letter from their lawyers yesterday,” said our Commissioner. It said “batten down the hatches, here we come.”

Tunnel of Love, LLC was founded just two years ago as the result of the lightning-like merger of Disney, Fox News, Reebok, Häagen-Dazs, Maserati, DIRECTV, Viagra, Hooters and the Portola Mining Company of South Africa. It’s far flung empire is now the largest provider of entertainment, diamonds and accessory industries in the world and it wants Hamptons Subway in order to convert it into its core business—“Tunnels of Love” amusement parks around the world. If they succeed, the subway service in the Hamptons would come to an end. The dollar-a-day mining workers from South Africa would come and pickaxe new tunnels to conform to their tried-and-true cookie cutter formula for Tunnels of Love everywhere. This facility would become an underground amusement park without parallel.

Tunnel of Love has been cited over and over for violations. They’ve been accused of not paying their miners, using illegal aliens, providing unsafe working conditions and, in the case of one Tunnel of Love ride in Tennessee, using a Ferris wheel that had not been previously inspected and approved by the Department of Motor Vehicles.

They, on the other hand, claim that Hamptons Subway is overvalued on the New York Stock Exchange—even though we have just been thrown off the New York Stock Exchange.

Write your Congressmen. Help save Hamptons Subway. Picket with signs reading NO TO THE LOVE TUNNEL. We are going to win this war.

I, Nancy O’Donnell, a reporter for The Hamptons Subway Newsletter, was fortunate last week to be invited to the gracious Southampton oceanfront home of our Commissioner Bill Aspinall to view the wonderful framed green sock collection he has on the walls of his basement hallway, which leads to his media room.

Mr. Aspinall, using his personal elevator, took us down to that hallway from the front reception room of his mansion.

“Every year, when I win the election to serve as our Commissioner for another year, I’m awarded the traditional green sock at the swearing-in ceremony, the latest of which was last Thursday.”

This was his 11th consecutive win. Five green socks are behind Plexiglas in their stainless steel frames on one side of that hallway, and the other five green socks are on the other side of that hallway.

“Where will you put number 11?” I asked.

“The odd-numbered ones go on the left wall,” he told me. “There are the first five. This will be number six. When I win the next election, it will be on the right to balance it out.”

“Where, at this moment, is your 11th green sock?” I asked.

“At the framer, of course,” he replied.

I want to thank everyone who arranged this private visit for me, and particularly Mr. Aspinall and his wife, Gladys, who so graciously accompanied us on the trip down that hall. Afterwards, the servants served us tea and cookies.


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