Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of December 3–9, 2016

The new, misspelled Hamptons "Sobway" motorman's hat
The new, misspelled Hamptons "Sobway" motorman's hat, Photo: andreykuzmin, duplass/123RF

Week of December 3–9, 2016
Riders this past week: 14,813
Rider miles this past week: 92,967

Chef Jean-George Vongerichten was seen eating a piece of rum-infused fruitcake from a white paper box on the subway leaving Southampton headed for Hampton Bays on Wednesday at 2 p.m.

The first of two delays on the subway system this week happened at the Southampton platform when people went wild about being given, or not being given, a Hamptons Subway motorman’s hat. New marketing director Claude Bellaire had organized the giveaway. These beautiful motorman’s caps were presented to every 20th passenger who came through the turnstiles at our Southampton station. They were so beautiful that people held back coming through the turnstiles to be the 20th passenger. This created a crowd, then a melée, as those getting caps and those not getting caps scuffled with one another and with those just wanting to get to the trains.

These caps were specially made for Hamptons Subway by an overseas firm to replenish our dwindling supply, but all 1,000 of them had the words HAMPTONS SOBWAY MOTORMAN on the silver badges and so were unacceptable on arrival. Subway delays persisted through much of Saturday afternoon as a result. You wouldn’t think people were so passionate about this.

You may have noticed the new red mailboxes six feet up on every subway platform wall where the platform wall meets the tunnel wall. From inside the trains, they’re accessible by opening the front left side window on all lead cars of every train, while stopped in the station. This is our new, free, Hamptons Subway Mail Service, HSMS. Slide the window up, reach out with the letter you want mailed, open the mailbox door, put it in, raise the flag and that’s it. Text whoever you’ve sent the mail to, for example someone in Westhampton if you’re at the Westhampton stop, and you’re from Amagansett, and tell them to come down to our Westhampton platform, reach around to the mailbox, open its door and reach in to get your letter. This service is free, except the receiver has to pay to get onto the platform. Step stools and grab bars are located by the mailboxes. Those picking up letters should be careful not to fall down onto the tracks and the third rail.

This week is the annual anniversary issue of the Hamptons Subway newsletter. As it says in our contract with Dan’s Papers, we are obliged, every year, to state the fact that there is no Hamptons Subway, but if there were one, this would be its newsletter. So please don’t be fooled into thinking there is a Hamptons Subway, and don’t believe those telling you this disclaimer is just a trick to keep you from using Hamptons Subway so the rest of us don’t have to mingle with people like you. We regret, after 382 weekly newsletters, that this year is the first time we’ve noticed this paragraph in our contract with Dan’s Papers so only now are we putting in this notice. We will not forget next year.

I am happy to be able to thank everyone who voted for me to continue as your Subway Commissioner for an eighth term. Thank you. It was a hard fought campaign against a valiant opponent, that crook Giuseppe Rappi, and I would like to thank him too now that he’s lost, for putting up such a vigorous fight. This is how, with our democratic system of checks and balances, our subway government works. I will do good and look forward to the vote next year.


More from Our Sister Sites