Predictions 2017: Trump, Putin, Warren Buffett, Jets vs. Giants, Virtual Reality, Aliens and More

Dan's predictions for 2017 cartoon by Mickey Paraskevas
Cartoon by Mickey Paraskevas

The Pulitzer Prize for Poetry, announced in June, is awarded to Hillary Clinton, who since her defeat in November has written some of the most astonishing poems ever put on paper. “It rivals Shakespeare,” one judge comments to the media after the award is given.

Congress wrestles with the idea of abolishing the Electoral College. Both Republicans and Democrats are for it. In the end, a compromise is worked out. The next President of the United States will be whoever is declared the winner of America’s Got Talent for the year 2020.

Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump hold a secret meeting in Iceland immediately after the inauguration. Because they are left alone, it is not clear exactly what happened, but after a preliminary handshake and kind words, those in the next room say things apparently went rapidly downhill. When lamps and dishes in their meeting room are heard being thrown around, the advisors rush in to see both of them rolling around the floor fighting. Both are bleeding and have to be separated. Putin says the problems are with the interpreter. Trump says this means war. The magic marker and globe which were the centerpieces of the meeting are thrown in a dumpster.

After the fight, Congress votes to impeach Donald Trump because it turns out he has lied about his hair. In the fight, his hairpiece flew off and he’s bald. When Trump shows up for the hearing with his hair back in place however, the impeachment is voted down by a wide margin.

A new law is passed that will allow college graduates to work off half their college loans by teaching high school graduates what they know. In the end, the total owed remains the same–but the loans have now been spread among both the old and the new graduates–and in the end, there are ten times as many new students now bearing college degrees, each only having to pay one tenth of the loan.

Warren Buffett, this country’s richest man, buys up the mansions of the richest ten people in the Hamptons, moves all their houses to one very large parcel in Southampton and then rents their houses back to them.

Donald Trump has his staff draft a bill that would repeal the “one term only” law thus allowing him to be eligible to run for a second term. Congress throws the bill back to Trump’s staff saying it is a “two term only” limit law and his staff revises it to allow a legal third term.

It is discovered that by putting canvas sails on the eastern Long Island antique wood-shingled windmills, there is enough power to run all of Long Island.

The residents of East Hampton, Bridgehampton and Southampton feel so badly about the big fire in Sag Harbor that they each build identical bright red neon “Sag Harbor” signs and erect them in the center of each town with a blinking arrow underneath pointing north.

Aliens from Outer Space land in Texas and, before taking off, present the human race with a gift. Nobody can figure out what it is or does. It seems to be some kind of espresso maker.

East Hampton Airport is shut down by the town and made into an animal preserve, but planes and helicopters continue to land there anyway, saying that’s where the airport is, like it or not. One night, all the animals in the preserve get together and rip apart all the aircraft parked there and eat the pieces.

A Silicon Valley firm develops a device that can plug into the back of a television set to make all shows on it appear as virtual reality. The device only works with old black and white TVs, however and so there is a rush to buy them.

A restored version of the black and white movie Casablanca becomes the first virtual reality film to win an academy award. The whole country falls in love with the performance of Ingrid Bergman.

The New York Giants and the New York Jets football teams play a game against one another to win the first annual NY Metro Bowl trophy, but neither offensive team can score. Instead, defenses keep pushing the offenses back into their own end zones for safeties. The final score is 8 to 8.

Offshore turbines harnessing the wind begin to power much of the east and west coasts, but they are shut down by an executive order from Donald Trump who says wind power does not provide enough income for the members of his cabinet to live in the styles they have become accustomed.

Uber unleashes 500,000 robots with sledgehammers that go out across America to smash up all cars that need to be driven by human beings.

The Museum of Modern Art in New York decides to purchase the entire collection of Dan’s Papers glossy covers that have been painted by regional artists. The collection, which numbers 1,437 paintings since 1987, will be on permanent display in New York City in a new wing being built for that purpose.

The Pope declares the Parrish Art Museum off limits to Catholics until it either becomes a religious institution or it can be shown that it was built in memory of Samuel Parrish, a local benefactor not connected to the church.

The first meeting of the Trump administration’s new cabinet has to be-scheduled after everyone sits down and it is seen that whatever is said comes out entirely in Spanish.

A pizza eating young man in New Jersey hacks into the computer of Edward Snowden and finds out that Snowden has had three sex change operations, simply seems unable to decide who he or she is and has been seeing a Russian psychiatrist twice a week at his digs in the Ecuadrian Embassy in Moscow.

After the discovery that bankers at a major bank have created fictitious checking accounts for their customers without their knowledge, it is learned that all the money in these accounts has vanished.

Donald Trump hires the Army Corps of Engineers to build the wall across the border with Mexico only to find that, after a year, its faulty concrete has begun to crack and crumble.

Southampton Village passes a law against pop-up stores. No new pop-up stores are allowed to be created, and those that are now up have been grandfathered in and so must remain.

The National Football League announces that next year action will be stopped immediately after each play so all participants can be evaluated for concussion symptoms.

In East Hampton a man is arrested after a stand of wild Asian bamboo on his property sneaks underground one night to his neighbor’s house and eats their dog.

All the countries that comprise the European Union decide to separate. However, due to a clerical error, France gets the Peseta, Belgium the Lira, Hungary the Mark and Portugal the Drachma. People complain, but after a while just get used to it. Nobody knows what happened to the Guilder.

A group of summer people living on Lily Pond Lane in East Hampton decides to have workmen link up all their swimming pools so they can meet everyone in the neighborhood.

The United States constructs a new island in the South China Sea, builds a 40-story hotel on it called TRUMP PALACE, and a dock and runway, and surrounds this complex with anti-aircraft guns. Late in the year, the Chinese appear and begin construction on a new island in the Caribbean. President Trump says it will also have a TRUMP PALACE on it, called TRUMP PALACE WEST with the one in the South China Sea now known as TRUMP PALACE EAST.

The Trump Administration tries to solve the North and South Korea problem by playing the song “YMCA” over loudspeakers on both sides of the border in the hopes that everyone will join in.

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