The Hamptons Police, citing reports of unspecified “suspicious stuff going on that we need to look into,” declared the East End of Long Island off-limits to certain classes of travelers last weekend. Those covered by the temporary travel ban include people from South Dakota, people from Hawaii and, oddly enough, people from Cutchogue.
The sudden implementation of the travel ban, which became effective at midnight Friday, meant that officers responsible for enforcing the ban were at loose ends trying to figure out how to do their job.
“I mean, I guess we can tell if somebody’s from South Dakota by looking at their license plates,” said one officer who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “But it’s hard to tell if somebody’s from Cutchogue, and how are we supposed to deal with all the Cutchoguers who are at home? Do they get kicked out? Or is it just if they leave and try to come back? It wasn’t really made clear.”
Presumably, no trouble with Hawaiians came up because Hawaiians would be crazy to leave Hawaii and come to New York in the dead of winter. According to Hamptons Police spokesman Larry Hirsch, any problems experienced by the officers charged with enforcing the law were well worth the trouble, as the new measures have increased the safety and happiness of East Enders immeasurably.
“This measure has been an unqualified success,” Hirsch reported. “Of course, many people from South Dakota and Hawaii and Cutchogue are wonderful, law-abiding people—but how can we be sure about all of them? We can’t. Therefore, we’ve determined that we will block them from the East End for the foreseeable future. I think we’ll find our standards of safety and security will increase exponentially as a result.”