Week of May 19–25, 2017
Riders this past week: 28,411
Rider miles this past week: 151,422
DOWN IN THE TUBE
The Congressman from our district, Lee Zeldin, was seen on the Hamptons Subway heading eastbound between Westhampton Beach and Quiogue on Thursday. Some say he is looking at real estate in the Hamptons. But he did not get off at Quiogue. Instead, he told constituents in the subway car he was doing a “complete circuit” of the Hamptons visiting voters in Southampton, East Hampton, Sag Harbor and Montauk. Indeed, he stayed in the subway car for the entire circuit the subway makes, only getting out when he was back in Westhampton where the waiting limo took him home. The press release his assistant sent out about his doings that day says that he visited every town—he named them—and unlike prior visits, encountered no protesters whatsoever on his tour. “Nothing but happy people,” he was quoted as saying in the press release.
THE COYOTE PACK
Subway riders are warned not to walk down any of the subway tunnels after 11 p.m., and also to only leave their subway car when the doors open and they see the guards. Last Wednesday, a family of 23 coyotes took up residence in some storage rooms in the subway tunnels and they come out and prowl the system late at night looking for food. They are a vicious, nocturnal animal, and, because this pack may be the last one left in the east, they are considered endangered and anyone harming them gets a stiff jail sentence. If one approaches you, don’t look at it directly. Instead look at your shoes. And quietly and slowly back away, being careful not to step on or otherwise harm a coyote behind you. Ignorance of coyotes is no excuse.
Computer hackers from some country far away broke into the Hamptons Subway computers last Thursday morning and re-set the settings on the turnstiles. Instead of ushering a straphanger through when a card was swiped, the turnstiles leaped out and grabbed anyone who came near them and shot them through without paying. This happened on every platform between 8 a.m. and 6 p.m., only ending when subway computer programmers re-set the turnstiles back to their proper settings. According to Commissioner Aspinall, the loss of revenue was “devastating.”
“We are convinced this is the work of foreigners who are jealous of the American way of life,” he said. “We won’t stand for it.”
He has asked riders who got in for free that day to go to the Hamptons Subway building on Ponquogue Avenue in Hampton Bays and voluntarily pay the receptionist there for that free ride. He has also asked that straphangers who were injured during this “hack”—back issues mostly— to hold off filing lawsuits until Hamptons Subway can identify the “perp or perps” who caused this. “They are who should be sued,” the Commissioner said.
COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
I would like to assure all riders who already suffered through the crowds of people using the subway system this past weekend that indeed the subway system will experience a further jump in ridership next weekend and in the whole summer to follow, but help is on the way. Beginning on Memorial Day, our interns will arrive and become, as they have in the past, “pushers,” shoving the subway riders into the cars just as soon as they hit the platforms. You will know the interns by their football helmets, boxing gloves and chest protectors and if someone pushes you who is not wearing this equipment, please inform the nearest subway employee so action can be taken.