The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of May 5–11, 2017

Week of May 5 – 11, 2017
Riders this past week: 19,811
Rider miles this past week: 97,090

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Movie producer Harvey Weinstein was seen Wednesday getting off the Hamptons Subway at the Georgica stop with a 16 mm camera to film the platform there for a new documentary, he said. Gwyneth Paltrow, her blond hair shimmering in the breeze from an open subway window, was seen heading east toward Montauk from the Amagansett station on Thursday.

TOO OVER THE TOP
Commissioner Aspinall, trying to second guess President Trump, ordered white lines put down facing every platform’s edge so that, for the six cars on every train, when they pulled up, the people from the earth’s six habitable continents could all get in the subway car designated for them. Painted between the white lines were EUROPE, ASIA, AUSTRALIA, AFRICA, NORTH AMERICA and SOUTH AMERICA. The following morning, after protests from the riders, the names were all scrubbed out, with the first five cars being for EVERYBODY and the sixth car being for TERRORISTS. “I wasn’t going to bow to protesters, but then Trump called,” the Commissioner said, “and he told me this was ‘way over the top.’ So I fixed it.” Two armed marines sit in the last car on every subway train now, but so far, nobody has boarded the terrorist car. That’s good.

DETOURS
During a routine inspection on Friday night, it was found that a two-foot-long piece of track was loose in the tunnel between Bridgehampton and Sagaponack and in need of being bolted down. We did not have that particular kind of bolt on hand, however, so we ordered new ones which should be here on Monday. Until then, that part of our system cannot be used, so riders heading eastbound from Bridgehampton on the B train should cross the platform and take the 7 train to Sag Harbor, then the J train to East Hampton, then the B train westbound from East Hampton to Wainscott, where special buses will take all riders down through Sagaponack to the Sagg General Store where people can disembark to either walk or take taxis to their destinations. Those staying on will be taken across the Sagg Bridge and on to Bridgehampton to catch the B again from there, heading west.

CONTRACT RENEWAL TIME
The Subway restaurant chain, which has a one-year contract to have kiosks on all the platforms in the system, is coming up on renewal time. We have asked for a 9% increase since they have increased the length of the foot longs from 11” to 12,” which seems fair, but they are balking at this. We are therefore entertaining offers from Chipotle and Wendy’s for the lease. Please ask at our token booths for a ballot sheet and tick off your preference—either keep Subway at the same rate as last year, or sign up with Wendy’s or Chipotle at the higher rate, which they have indicated would be acceptable. Fold your ballot and, before May 31, slip it into one of the suggestion boxes attached to the wall of every platform.

BAD AIR
Those noticing the “bad air” in the subway cars on the stretch between Sag Harbor and Noyac should direct their lawsuits at Alvin Satterfield Phillips of 41 Noyac Drive who had covered up the subway exhaust grating on his lawn with plastic, informing us that his home is his castle and he can do that.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Sorry about the white lines for the different continents. I wish Trump would make up his mind about what he wants to do.

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