Week of September 14–20, 2017
Riders this past week: 38,348
Rider miles this past week: 117,822
DOWN IN THE TUBE
Bob Rubin, car collector and racing enthusiast, was seen on the Hamptons Subway last Monday heading from Bridgehampton to Sag Harbor with a big set of keys dangling from his belt. Scoop and Kate Wasserstein were spotted sitting next to each other holding hands last Saturday night on the subway between Amagansett and East Hampton.
BILL ASPINALL ARRESTED
Our beloved Commissioner Bill Aspinall has been arrested and charged with misusing subway funds for the last seven years. He was brought to the police station in Hampton Bays, fingerprinted, arraigned and forced to post $2.5 million bail. He has resigned his post, of course. In his place is his identical twin brother “Bill” Aspinall who their father amusingly also named Bill so when he called them they’d both come running. They cannot be told apart, except for two things. One is that “Bill” pronounces his name with the two quotation marks while, Bill, who is the younger brother by 18 seconds, does not. The second thing is that “Bill” has a scar on his left buttock from, when at the age of 6, his younger brother shot him there with a BB gun. “Bill” Aspinall has issued a press release announcing that the Subway will be running as it always has while he gets his mind wrapped around all the bad things that Bill did. Then “Bill” will act.
Rumors are rife that the youngsters today in the Hamptons are bragging about having had “Subway United” on the Hamptons Subway, in the same way that we elders years ago bragged about “Flying United” when two of us would cram into the little bathrooms on the 747s for some hanky-panky. Since nobody has seen anybody having sex in any of the cars—we’ve been on the lookout for this, though it’s unlikely to happen because there’s no privacy in a subway car—we’ve concluded that the only way this could happen is in the little motorman booth at the front of every train where the motorman sits. We’ve interviewed all the motormen about this, even had them take lie detector tests, but so far, we’ve learned nothing. So now we turn to our riders. If you see a couple disappear into the motorman’s booth and shortly thereafter they boot an unhappy motorman out for a while, send the video to SexOnHamptonsSubway.com so we can have a look at it.
As you know, in the past, people have tripped getting off the subway trains when the doors slide open because the level of the platforms is 3/4 of an inch lower than the level of the subway cars. To rectify this, last Thursday, in an enormous effort requiring the services of 2,312 iron workers, we installed new metal rail covers on all the trackage in our system, in that one night, while the subway was closed for maintenance, thus avoiding a shutdown of the subway system during working hours. Unfortunately, as have since found out, the 3/4-inch covers required 3/4-inch soft metal clips underneath to secure them to the old tracks. The result of this is the platforms are now 3/4 of an inch HIGHER than the cars. So step up when getting out.
COMMISSIONER “BILL” ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
In my brother’s absence during his upcoming trial and conviction, my wife and I will be living in his house and sleeping in their bed. It’s good to be oceanfront. And it will allow me to get my bearings as I slither into this new job.