Week of August 31 – September 6, 2017
Riders this past week: 56,925
Rider miles this past week: 184,923
DOWN IN THE TUBE
Jayma Cardosa was seen riding on the subway Saturday afternoon from Amagansett to Montauk. Jimmy Buffett rode the subway from Sag Harbor to North Haven last Wednesday.
The number of people who rode Hamptons Subway last week was well below the numbers from a year ago the same week. They also took shorter rides. We don’t know why this was. We’re looking into it by conducting random interviews, but so far all we’ve been able to interview are those riding this week. Last week’s people have escaped.
When motorman Harold Masterson arrived at the Montauk yards at 6 a.m. last Thursday to pick up train #3, he found that it only had two gears—stop and reverse. As a result, he drove the train backwards out of Montauk and through the rest of his six-hour route. The result was that people getting on the train were taken to the subway station before the station they climbed aboard rather than the station after. We had many complaints. How Masterson failed to hit any subway trains heading toward his train was due to our acrobatic flagmen shunting trains onto sidings everywhere. We congratulate the flagmen for this effort. When asked why they never reported it, though, they said they thought it was a schedule change and they were just flagmen.
As a result of the news from Houston, Hamptons Subway employees were sent out during the night between Thursday and Friday to check on the floor drain plugs in the center of all the tunnels. These plugs, which are four feet in diameter and weigh 200 pounds, can be lifted up by two men in the event a flood is coming. This lets the water out. The check revealed that the plug between East Hampton and Amagansett was slightly askew, as if a very large animal had succeeded in pushing it up from under in order to get through. There were big claw marks on the plug. All other plugs were okay, however.
Our new marketing director, Hill Billy Johnson, has a new program where very smart people are invited to a particular car on a particular day to be taken around the system while enjoying erudite conversation such as is found in the nationally known TED Talks. It is to be called Bill Blabbers, in honor of our Commissioner Bill Aspinall. The Blabber will take place once a week on Saturday at 4 p.m. beginning in mid-September through to the holidays. Important stuff will be talked about. Email email@example.com if you wish to be considered for an invitation.
The subway line between East Hampton and Maidstone Park is shut at this time while we remove millions of moths that flutter around in that tunnel. The moths got released when a long shut storage room door in the tunnel was opened and 100 racks of wool flagmen uniforms from the 1930s—never used—were found in dreadful condition on account of being eaten by these millions of moths. The moths are currently hovering around a single bright light we’ve placed in the tunnel so that humane environmentalists with nets can capture them and release them up in the Adirondacks where they are most welcome.
COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Isn’t it great that Jimmy Buffet rode the subway last week and then again this week? The “Down in the Tube” column is the first thing I read when the newsletter comes out.