Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of September 28–October 4, 2017

Justin Bieber asleep on the Hamptons Subway
Justin Bieber asleep on the Hamptons Subway, Photo: Benoit Daoust/123RF, ©PATRICKMCMULLAN.COM

Week of September 28–October 4, 2017
Riders this past week: 36,712
Rider miles this past week: 113,812

Diddy was seen heading from East Hampton to Springs on Wednesday carrying a baseball bat and mitt. Megyn Kelly was on the Southampton platform on Friday morning talking up her new show. Justin Bieber was seen sleeping on the subway heading from Quiogue to Westhampton Beach on Friday night.

The new rule whereby North Koreans would not be permitted on the Hamptons subway ran off the rails a bit last week. We’d hired 17 barbers to stand at the turnstiles on each of our 17 platforms and turn away anybody from North Korea. The first thing that went wrong was that a reporter from Dan’s Papers who had gotten a North Korean haircut tested the system in Bridgehampton and found that the barber there let him through. He wrote a story about it in Dan’s, which was widely read stating “there seems to be a hole in the system,” which there certainly was. The second thing that went wrong was in the turning away of a “North Korean” at the Hampton Bays platform. Turned out he had a South Korean haircut—it has a slash on the side of the head in the style of Mike Tyson that distinguishes it from the North Korean haircut—and turning him away jeopardized the life of a man at Southampton Hospital because this man was a physician on his way to perform surgery on him. We are re-evaluating this program.

Auto mechanic Joe DeMarco of East Quogue was on his way to Shinnecock to visit his mother last Tuesday when, in the tunnel in Hampton Bays, the subway car clanked to a halt. Moments later, the motorman came through asking if anyone was able to repair a Dodge diesel 430-horsepower six-cylinder engine because he was traveling without his required mechanic and this train stopped in the tunnel would cause massive subway delays of three hours or more if nobody could fix it. DeMarco was led onto the tracks, they opened the hood and DeMarco worked on that engine for just four minutes before he got it to start up again. We all owe auto mechanic Joe DeMarco a considerable thank you. We have given him a free swipe card for use through the end of October.

A group of people from a “mass action” group walked out of their homes on Tuesday at 8 a.m. One person arrived at each subway platform promptly at 9 a.m. They turned on their cell phones and played “The Star-Spangled Banner.” Many people got down on one knee, but others ignored the song and went about their business, or stood with hats off and hands over their hearts. All this confusion created huge crowd delays which set back the subway system for nearly an hour. We don’t know what this proved.

In response to the demands from people representing claustrophobes, Hamptons Subway is now offering a new service for people with this illness who cannot get down in the tunnels. All day, up on the street at every stop, a smart car sits by the subway entrance with a driver and a navigator in the front ready to transport anybody with a note from his or her doctor from one station to any other station. Just show your claustrophobia card and wriggle into the back.

Just tell readers I am too busy to write anything today.—Bill


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