Police Blotter

Home for Hamptons Stars Accused of Sex Crimes Expands to Trailers

Although it only opened this past summer, officials say that the Home for Unemployed Media Personalities Accused of Sex Crimes (HUMPASC), located in Sagaponack, has already exceeded capacity. New arrivals are being housed in temporary luxury trailers on the HUMPASC acreage while officials begin the process of finding permanent additional space nearby.

“When we first decided on the location, we thought it would be more than ample for our needs,” says Leonard Lowenstern of the Hamptons Department of Halfway Houses. “We figured, ‘How many groping, fondling, self-exposing p*ssy grabbers can there be operating in the intense glare of the media spotlight?’ Turns out we underestimated that number by many orders of magnitude.”

Lowenstern concedes that finding additional space is made more complex because of the strong opposition from the surrounding community. In fact, a group was recently formed to organize opposition to the HUMPASC facility and to mobilize against its expansion.

The group, calling itself Citizens Against Housing Unemployed Media Personalities in Sagaponack (CAHUMPIS), staged a full-blown protest last Saturday on Sagg Main Street, drawing a crowd of about 100 enraged citizens. Police were on hand to manage the crowd. CAHUMPIS organizer Mary Westerhoff voiced a refrain heard from many in attendance.

“They opened this facility without a single public announcement, and started moving these lecherous sleazeballs in without our consent. Now it’s filled to the rafters with a bunch of drooling sex maniacs, and they expect us to allow another facility to house the overflow? Sorry to go against the Christmas spirit, but there’s no room at the inn for these dirtbags.”

While officials have acknowledged concerns, they remain determined to provide shelter for the media personalities in their care.

“When Fox News won’t take you, you’ve really got nowhere else to go,” Lowenstern says.

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