Celebrity Water: Drink Water from the Faucet of Your Favorite Star

Celebrity Water cartoon by Mickey Paraskevas
Cartoon by Mickey Paraskevas

Celebrity Water is coming to the Hamptons. By this time next month you will be able to buy bottles of the exact same water certain selected celebrities drink in their own homes. The bottles will be labeled Celebrity Water, and beneath that name will be the signature of the celebrity whose water has been selected. Just go to your nearby deli and ask for it by name. Imagine drinking the water that is used in the home of Alec Baldwin or Rudolph Giuliani.

Celebrity Water is the brainstorm of Donald McKracken, a longtime resident of the Hamptons. Some people might remember him from years ago when he was a bartender at Scarlett’s in Westhampton Beach.

“I have always wondered why there is no commercial marketing of the water in the Hamptons,” he told us. “It is every bit as good as Fiji water or Evian water, even better. I looked into it.”

What McKracken found was that the water the celebrities in the Hamptons drink in their homes comes from a special and rather small underground aquifer 50 feet below the surface of the earth. Attempts had been made in the past to tap into this aquifer and sell the water in bottles to the general public, but the authorities, fearful that a Hamptons Water could be so popular this aquifer could dry up, pulled the permits they issued to the companies that tried to do this.

McKracken’s genius is that his company is not going to tap down into the aquifer at all. They are going to get the water after it has already come up. It will be gotten from the water pipes leading into the homes of the celebrities, right from the Suffolk County Water Authority pipes, out on the street.

“There’s no permit necessary to do this,” McKracken said. “I’ve looked into it.”

It will all be done at night. Beginning at midnight, 20 white, unmarked trucks will be sent out into the Hamptons community. Inside will be employees of Celebrity Water, wearing fake white Suffolk County Water Authority jumpsuits to make it look like they are from that company, in case of trouble. The drivers will park in front of the home of a particular celebrity, use a divining rod to locate the place underground where the county water pipe is connected to the pipe leading into the celebrity’s home, and drill down. A special plastic tube attached to an electric motor inside the truck will then be attached and tapped in, and then some of the water will be sucked up.

When 20 casks are filled and marked with the name of the celebrity, the team will drive on to the next celebrity location. In this way, the 200 casks in the back of each of the 20 trucks can be filled and identified and then taken to the Celebrity Water factory in Flanders, where the water will be transferred to bottles, capped, labeled, date-stamped and boxed.

By noon, with a new crew, the trucks will go out to the delis in the area delivering the Celebrity Water. You can buy it fresh that afternoon. And thus enjoy the very same water that each of the celebrities drink in their own homes.

“The celebrities won’t even know it is happening,” McKracken said. “It will just be a slight loss of pressure in their faucets for a half-hour while we tap in. And that’s late at night.”

We asked how he will get the signatures of the celebrities, and he had an answer for that, too.

“We have a couple of hackers at our plant. It’s easy. Celebrities sign things and signatures get online, as you know. So we just pick them out. Obviously, we won’t be getting to a particular celebrity until we’ve got that signature. This has to be on the up-and-up.”

So there you have it. The birth of what will soon be a worldwide special bottled water business with freighters bearing container loads of water across the oceans in the same way as they carry Perrier or Pellegrino.

Carbonated? We asked about it.

“We’ve been experimenting with that,” McKracken told me, “adding the carbonation right at the source. But some of our secret friends at the Suffolk County Water Authority have learned that they’ve had complaints from celebrities about that in their homes. So we’ve put it on the shelf for now.”

Just imagine. The same water Alec Baldwin showers with.

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